


Always

by Kaye_21



Series: How Sonny and Rafael Got Their Groove Back [6]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Reminiscing, Shower Sex, Smut, Spanking, Wedding Rings, and SMUT, and fluff, and proposals, fluff did i mention fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-05-01
Packaged: 2018-06-05 04:03:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 35,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6688417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaye_21/pseuds/Kaye_21
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Old memories, new memories, and future memories.</p><p>In which there are Christmas stockings, and tacky bedspreads, and sore behinds, and wedding rings, and proposals.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Memories

**Author's Note:**

> The story is complete. I will be posting one chapter per day.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael remembers.

This was not what Rafael had signed up for.

Rafael had not ever, in any way, suggested that this was acceptable.

Rafael was emphatically opposed to this, which he had stated on numerous occasions.

And yet, here he was.

Here Rafael was, on a late afternoon, in an unfamiliar house, all alone, with Sonny nowhere to be found.

Rafael needed Sonny, but Sonny wasn’t there.

Sonny had left him.

Sonny had ditched him, to be precise.

Sonny had ditched him, and now Rafael had no choice but to do this alone.

Now Rafael had to start sorting through the mess that was their assorted belongings, haphazardly thrown into cardboard boxes and gathering dust as they lay scattered all around their new living room.

Sonny had practically cackled on his way out that morning. They were still sleeping at their old apartment, or, well, their current apartment, but they had already moved most of their stuff into their new townhouse, and were only days away from officially moving in.

There was just the small matter of unpacking.

Which was why Rafael was now staring at a huge pile of boxes, not knowing where to start, and cursing Sonny for successfully managing to bail out on him.

They were supposed to do this together.

Fine, Sonny was supposed to do this by himself, while Rafael watched. Maybe while Rafael pretended to carefully and _very_ slowly unpack their fragile items, taking his sweet time and letting Sonny do all the heavy lifting.

No such luck.

Sonny was at work. Manhattan SVU was looking for a missing boy, a small child, and there were fears he had been taken by a neighbor who had also gone missing around the same time, and the entire squad was working around the clock.

Rafael understood that, of course he did. What he didn’t understand was Sonny’s gleeful smirk when he had said, “This is a big case, Rafi, I can’t leave the Lieutenant hanging just ‘cause you don’t wanna go through a couple of boxes.”

More than a dozen boxes, actually, but who was counting?

Rafael was totally counting, but still. He couldn’t exactly argue with Sonny’s point.

He also couldn’t argue with, “Plus, I was here for the furniture move, Rafi, I told the movers where to put everything, and I even lugged some of it myself. Meanwhile, you were busy ‘fielding calls from the Governor’, whatever that means. It’s about time you did something too, don’t you think?”

Sonny hadn’t been wrong.

Rafael had still tried to win the argument, of course.

Rafael had muttered something sarcastic about Sonny just sitting there, pointing and watching the movers do all the work, something about how ‘taxing’ that must have been, something about Sonny’s index finger getting sore, but he had quickly given up.

All it had taken was a kiss from Sonny, and Rafael had conceded and promised to take care of the boxes himself.

Rafael was easy, and it had been years since he’d last been able to pretend otherwise. Sonny had his number now. A kiss and a smile. That was all it took for Rafael to comply.

Hence Sonny’s cackling.

Sonny was lucky Rafael loved him.

Fine, Rafael was the lucky one.

For many reasons.

Many.

And Rafael wasn’t being a sap.

Well, he wasn’t _just_ being a sap.

Rafael was thinking about the move. Sonny had truly been a godsend throughout the entire process. Rafael was always too busy and sometimes too lazy to get involved, and Sonny had taken it upon himself to get everything done on time.

Never mind Rafael’s teasing about Sonny ‘sitting and pointing’. Sonny had done a lot more than that. Helping move the furniture was the least of it, actually. Sonny had spent hours at the house, overseeing the installation of their new floor-to-ceiling bookcase, and their kitchen cupboards, and their bathroom tiles, Sonny had practically spent weeks supervising the workers and the painters and the movers while Rafael kept slipping out to ‘work’.

At his office, with a nice scotch and some music.

Rafael was definitely the lucky one.

And even after the house itself had been finished, Sonny had still kept at it. He had personally dealt with their very extensive book collection, a task as daunting as it had been tedious. And Rafael should know.

He had watched Sonny do it.

Sonny had spent an entire afternoon arranging the books, climbing up and down the bookcase ladder, under Rafael’s watchful and slightly nervous eye. Sonny had even managed to place all of Rafael’s go-to books on the lower shelves, which was very considerate, since Rafael had no intention of ever setting foot on that rickety ladder.

Fine, Rafael was mildly afraid of heights.

And by ‘mildly’ he meant ‘extremely’.

So it was especially unfortunate that Rafael hadn’t paid close enough attention. Probably because he had been too distracted by the spectacle of a sweaty Sonny in an old white t-shirt and distressed denim, which incidentally was the only reason Rafael had stayed to watch in the first place, instead of skipping out again.

Rafael had initially failed to notice that some of his favorite books had somehow found their way onto the higher shelves. Not high enough to require a ladder, but high enough that Rafael wouldn’t be able to get them just by reaching.

Sonny, though? Sonny and his stupidly long arms? Sonny could reach them just fine.

Rafael suspected Sonny had done it on purpose, just so Rafael would have to ask him for help.

Sonny had denied it, of course, unconvincingly arguing that, “There’s no more room on the lower shelves, Rafi, see for yourself. But you don’t have to ask me to get the books for you. All you gotta do is get on the ladder. Just the bottom step. I’m sure you can do that.”

Sonny hadn’t even bothered to hide his smirk. He knew that would never happen.

Just like Rafael knew the truth. That Sonny enjoyed having Rafael at his mercy.

All in all, not a bad place to be.

Plus, Sonny had also made sure to hang the drapes without even once teasing Rafael about it, so Rafael had let the book thing slide.

After all, it wasn’t just the furniture and the books and the drapes.

Sonny had also hauled some stuff to the attic. Actually, Sonny had hauled a _lot_ of stuff to their new attic. Old stuff, some old furniture they would no longer be using but didn’t want to throw away, and some old carpets, plus a couple of boxes full of Christmas decorations. All Sonny’s, by the way. Ornaments that had been with his family for years. Most of them personalized, which was apparently a big thing in the Carisi household.

Rafael had made fun of Sonny for wanting to put those up at their apartment, on their first Christmas after moving in together. Rafael had made fun of the misshapen handcrafted ornaments with ‘Sonny’ scribbled on them in glitter. Eight-year-old Sonny really liked his glitter, apparently.

Rafael had made fun of Sonny, until Sonny had presented him with a stocking that read ‘Rafael’.

Until Sonny had said, “We’ll put this here, next to mine. And I got another one with ‘Rafael’ on it, but I already gave it to my mom. She likes putting up stockings for the entire family, you know?”

Rafael still remembered how that had made him feel.

Rafael still remembered how it felt to visit Sonny’s parents’ house on Christmas Eve, and see the two stockings, ‘Sonny’ and ‘Rafael’, right next to each other. Up there with literally dozens of others, for Sonny’s sisters and cousins and uncles and aunts, there they were.

‘Sonny’ and ‘Rafael’.

Together.

‘Rafael’, up there on the Carisi mantle.

Like Rafael was a part of Sonny’s family.

Like Rafael belonged with Sonny.

Rafael still remembered how that had made him happy.

Which he had later blamed on the eggnog, of course.

They had barely been together a year.

It had taken one more year for Rafael to admit it while sober. It had taken waking up in the middle of the night to news that Sonny was in the hospital, for Rafael to stop being in denial. To accept what he already knew. That he and Sonny were going to last. That Rafael wanted them to last. That Rafael wanted to make it official.

To marry Sonny.

Rafael had only admitted that to himself, of course. Sonny still had no idea, even though it was now three and a half years later, because Rafael was a coward.

They had celebrated their five-year anniversary, not six months ago. The townhouse, it was the next big step for them. They had talked it over, they had decided on a location, and they had even gone house-hunting together; something which had required a tremendous deal of schedule wrangling, because Rafael’s duties as the new Manhattan D.A. were frankly overwhelming, but they had managed it. With Carmen’s help, as always.

It had taken them a while, but they had eventually found the perfect place, the perfect home for the two of them. They had bought it, signing on the dotted line together, a huge commitment in itself, and Rafael didn’t know why that long, drawn-out, exhausting and complicated process felt easier than asking Sonny one simple question.

‘Will you marry me?’

There was no excuse. No excuse for him waiting three and a half years and never saying a thing.

Then again, what was Sonny’s excuse? All the schmaltzy crap like personalized stockings and sentimental gifts and sweeping gestures, all that, it was Sonny’s department. Rafael couldn’t be blamed for thinking that Sonny would want to be the one to propose.

Rafael knew that he wasn’t the most romantic person, and he knew that he’d probably blow it, and he didn’t want his proposal to be underwhelming at best and disappointing at worst.

Sonny deserved better than that.

That was the real reason Rafael was stalling.

And the _real_ real reason was that he was a coward.

Oh well.

With any luck, Sonny would get tired of waiting and just do it himself.

Either that, or they’d live in sin for eternity.

Which actually sounded pretty good.

Rafael exhaled.

He exhaled, and he tried to stop his mind from wandering, he tried to focus on the task at hand.

Rafael really needed to start pulling his weight.

The truth was, he hadn’t done much to help with the move at all. The only thing he _had_ done was the one thing he’d never entrust Sonny with; namely, organizing their new walk-in closet. Which, incidentally, was Rafael’s favorite part of the new house.

Oh, and Rafael had picked out the drapes, of course, and most of the new furniture, and the color scheme, and the interior decoration, and the plants. Which had been a lot of work, actually.

As a last ditch effort, Rafael had even tried to argue that this ‘hard work’ was equivalent to, if not greater than, Sonny’s more physical efforts. He had tried to argue that they had each done their share, so they were square now, and they should unpack the boxes together.

Sonny had not been swayed.

All Rafael had managed to squeeze out of him was a promise to get there after work, to help Rafael ‘finish up’, with the express clarification that ‘finishing up’ meant Rafael still had to do the bulk of the work.

Which wasn’t even the worst part.

The worst part was what could only be described as Sonny’s concise labeling system.

Sonny had been the one to label the boxes, of course. Just like he’d done everything else. Sonny had packed the boxes, too, over the past week, all by himself. Sonny had packed their entire apartment, basically, while Rafael ‘worked long hours’.

Rafael supposed he deserved this.

And by ‘this’ he meant both sorting through a dozen boxes _and_ having to decipher Sonny’s vague labels.

‘Mine.’

‘Rafi.’

‘Misc.’

That was it.

In Sonny’s defense, there had also been ‘Fragile,’ but Sonny had already taken care of that category. To Rafael’s chagrin, because he had lost the perfect excuse to stall. Unfortunately, Rafael was now left with all their non-fragile items, their little random doohickeys whose handling required little finesse.

There was no getting out of this. Rafael would have to be quick if he wanted to make a dent before Sonny got there, so he took another look at the boxes and wished he had been a little more proactive with this move.

Rafael only had himself to blame. By the time he had finally noticed Sonny’s pithy labels, just as the boxes were ready to be loaded into the moving truck, it was too late to complain.

That hadn’t stopped him, of course.

Rafael had suggested adding more information on the boxes, something like ‘kitchenware’ or ‘living room’, something to reflect their contents, something to at least indicate a location. Anything to make his life easier.

Sonny had just said, “What a great idea, Rafi! Maybe if you had packed the boxes yourself, like you were supposed to, you could have done that!”

Fine, Rafael was supposed to pack the boxes, but Sonny had given up and done it himself, because, “Unlike you, Rafi, I actually want to move into our new place this century.”

Feeling something which dangerously approximated guilt, Rafael decided to get started.

He wasn’t proud, but his first thought was to start kicking the boxes, to try and figure out which ones were lighter.

Rafael’s plan was to start small. To start with the easy stuff. If he played his cards right, maybe he could get away with doing the most amount of work with the least amount of effort.

If he got through a handful of boxes fast, if Rafael demonstrated that he was willing to work hard, even though he was so tired, and old, and not as strong as he used to be, and if he mentioned that his back was acting up, if Rafael used all those cheap excuses and more, maybe he could guilt Sonny into helping him with the rest.

Rafael got kicking.

The lightest box, the one which slid further on the floor when kicked, was labeled ‘Mine’.

Not even ‘Sonny’.

Just ‘Mine’.

Rafael suspected Sonny wanted to remind him who had actually done the packing.

He supposed he deserved that too.

Opening the box, Rafael was faced with a whole bunch of Sonny’s crap.

A whole bunch of Sonny’s Mets crap, as a matter of fact.

Sonny’s Mets jerseys, and some of his jackets, and some caps, and some gloves, too, and a bat, and Rafael practically had a flashback.

Sonny had brought home a box just like this one, four and a half years earlier.

Right after their big fight.

Right after Sonny had agreed to move in at Rafael’s old place.

At their current, soon-to-be old place.

They were dealing with boxes then too, and packing, and unpacking, and Sonny had brought over a box just like this one, right after they had made up.

They had argued about Sonny meeting Rafael’s mother. Which seemed ridiculous in retrospect, because sometimes Rafael thought Lucia loved Sonny more than she loved him, but which had felt extremely unnerving at the time.

And an unnerved Rafael was a cruel Rafael, all distant and dismissive, so Sonny had rightfully gotten upset.

Rafael had immediately known he’d screwed up, and he had been so eager to make things right that he had stooped to calling Sonny several times for multiple non-apologetic apologies.

Sonny had been packing a box just like this one as Rafael kept calling, and Rafael had eventually asked him to forget about the damn box and just come over.

Sonny had complied.

Sonny had dropped everything, like he always did when Rafael called.

And then Rafael had been even more cruel.

Rafael had immediately regretted his words, he had immediately regretted saying he had ever felt sorry for Sonny, but he hadn’t done anything to stop Sonny from storming out.

Rafael had stayed still and silent, staring at the door, seconds after Sonny had left, and for a moment he had felt genuine fear that maybe he had gone too far. That maybe Sonny wouldn’t want to come back.

Sonny had come back, of course.

The very next night.

He hadn’t even stayed away twenty-four hours, though the twenty-two hours he _had_ stayed away had been long enough for Rafael’s guilt to go into overdrive, resulting in an embarrassing phone call to Liv.

A phone call which had included questions such as, “Does Sonny look okay to you?” and, “Does he look like he slept well?” and, “Can you just ask him without being too obvious?” and, “What do you mean ‘I have it bad’?”

But Sonny had come back.

Sonny had even tried to apologize, because he was the most selfless person Rafael had ever met, and he’d been willing to take the blame just so they’d stay together. Even though the blame lay solely with Rafael.

Rafael had admitted as much, he had admitted what a colossal jerk he’d been, and Sonny had smiled, and they had made up.

Just like that.

The next day, Sonny had returned carrying a box full of his Mets crap.

Rafael still remembered opening the door to find a grinning Sonny, box in hand, eager to finally move in.

Rafael still remembered the relief he’d felt, like this one box was proof that Sonny had forgiven him.

And then Sonny had opened the box and had demanded that they put up at least one Mets-related item in ‘their’ living room, and they’d had another fight.

A small one.

Just for fun.

Both of them smirking throughout.

That box, it had meant a lot to Rafael.

Sonny’s Mets stuff, they always reminded Rafael of that d…

Wait.

Rafael suddenly realized why Sonny was so reluctant to unpack those boxes, even though he was perfectly willing to pick up the slack when it came to literally everything else about this move.

Sure, Sonny had packed, but packing was easy.

Especially Sonny’s version of ‘packing’, which apparently involved randomly throwing stuff into boxes until they were filled to the brim, and then wrapping said boxes in absurd amounts of tape.

Unpacking, though?

Opening those boxes, taking out every little thing and finding the perfect place for it in their new home? Going through all their belongings, everything they had amassed in the last five and a half years of their lives together?

Unpacking was very different, and Sonny was way too emotional a person to deal with that. Sonny would just get lost in the memories and get nothing done.

Rafael, on the other hand?

Rafael would never do that.

Rafael would never get bogged down in sentimentality.

Rafael would never root through that box looking for the jacket he had bought Sonny a couple of years ago as a present, after yet another of their routine fights about the Mets and how much they sucked.

Rafael would never fondle Sonny’s lucky jersey, the one Sonny’d had since high school, when he had enjoyed a brief but illustrious career as a first baseman.

Rafael would never smile a dumb smile thinking about all those pictures of a teenage Sonny that Bella had gleefully shown him over the years.

Rafael would never wonder about his and Sonny’s imaginary children. Or future children.

Rafael would never daydream about having a son who would take after Sonny, a son who would look like a cross between a human boy and a baby giraffe.

Rafael would never do that.

Rafael was totally doing that.

Rafael sighed.

Unpacking was going to take forever if he let every single item distract him.

He picked up the box and took it upstairs, intending to hide it in the far corner of their walk-in-closet, where it wouldn’t interfere with the aesthetic.

As soon as Rafael got to the closet, he sighed again, this time in pleasure.

He loved that goddamn closet.

Rafael wondered if it’d be weird to bring his laptop in there and get some work done in peace, letting the ambience soothe him.

Rafael wondered if it’d be weird to drag Sonny in there for a make-out session. Maybe even for sex, if he could tolerate Sonny’s inevitable ‘jokes’ about being in the closet.

Rafael wondered if there was a name for this kink, for him wanting to get it on while surrounded by his tailored suits and his fancy ties.

 _Their_ fancy ties, actually.

Rafael and Sonny, they shared their ties now. They had merged their tie collections about three years ago, at Rafael’s suggestion.

Sonny used to complain that he could never find his ties because Rafael kept borrowing them without putting them back. ‘Stealing’ them, was how Sonny had put it, but Rafael refused to use such exaggerated terms.

At first, Rafael had tried arguing that he was well within his rights to borrow Sonny’s ties, since he had bought most of them in the first place. Somehow that had failed to appease Sonny.

So Rafael had suggested another solution.

A merger.

Rafael had said they should just keep all their ties in one place. It’d be more practical. That way he wouldn’t have to st… to _borrow_ anything, and they’d always be able to find their ties at a moment’s notice.

Rafael remembers Sonny’s face, after hearing that ‘casual’ suggestion.

Sonny had known how important that was, for someone like Rafael. Sonny had known what that meant.

Sonny had always known.

Rafael had never shared his ties with anyone before. Such an idea would have struck him as abhorrent, if only it had occurred to him.

It hadn’t, of course. Sharing ties? That was nonsensical. Rafael took pride in his unique fashion sense, his personal sense of style. How could he be seen in another man’s tie? How could he let another man be seen in his?

Not to mention, what if things went south? Who would handle the division of assets? The division of ties, to be exact? Before, Rafael would have seriously considered drafting a contract, stipulating that any dispute stemming from the agreement would go into voluntary arbitration.

But that was before.

Now, Rafael knew he had nothing to worry about. Things going south between him and Sonny, that wasn’t an option.

Rafael trusted Sonny with his ties.

That said it all.

Rafael made a mental note to take Sonny out shopping again. It had been a while.

Rafael loved going tie shopping with Sonny. These days, they would just pick their ties together, without specifying the primary owner. There were still a few exceptions, of course. Sonny was still too slender to pull off wider ties, not to mention a Windsor to properly showcase them, and Rafael’s body type was somewhat prohibitive of skinny ties, so he left those to Sonny.

There were also a number of ties Rafael deemed ‘too old’ for Sonny, but that number kept decreasing with each passing year. Sonny wasn’t in his twenties anymore. Hadn’t been in a while. Soon enough, that age-based distinction would no longer apply. Soon enough, and provided Sonny would finally lose his youthful frame and fill out a little, they’d be sharing their tie collection completely.

Rafael was looking forward to that.

Being with Sonny as they got older.

Together.

As Sonny got older.

It wouldn’t be long now. In about five more years Sonny would be pushing forty.

Which, of course, meant that Rafael was already pushing fifty, but that realization wasn’t helping matters so Rafael chose to ignore it and turn his attention to their gorgeous new tie rack.

Rafael absently started fondling some of their ties, and it wasn’t long before his fingers travelled to the tie he bought Sonny for their six-month anniversary.

Rafael admired the color, that elegant royal blue. He felt the rich texture of the woven silk.

Lovely as it was, that tie had nothing on Sonny’s face.

Rafael remembered Sonny’s expression, the first time he saw it. Sonny’s bright, sweet smile. Sonny’s surprise that Rafael had bought him a present to mark that silly little occasion.

Six months together.

That was more than five years ago.

Rafael remembered the softness of Sonny’s lips, too.

The love in Sonny’s eyes, even before Sonny had spoken that word out loud.

Rafael remembered happiness.

Rafael had never once borrowed this tie. A fact he was particularly proud of, because he had recently bought a suit that would go perfectly with it, and yet he had managed to resist.

This tie, it belonged to Sonny.

Even if Sonny rarely wore it. Even if Sonny saved it for ‘very special occasions,’ like Rafael’s swearing-in ceremony, a fact which was more adorable than Rafael cared to admit.

Even so. This tie belonged to Sonny.

It was a gift.

Sonny had given Rafael a gift too, that night, to mark their six-month anniversary.

To mark more than that.

Rafael suddenly realized that he hadn’t seen his gift since the day before. He had blindly reached for it that morning only to find it gone, which meant that Sonny had already packed it.

With any luck, Sonny had unpacked it as well. Rafael couldn’t imagine that Sonny would let his gift get banged up in a random box. Sonny had probably marked it ‘fragile’, and had already placed it on the dresser, where it always was at their old place.

Rafael walked over to their new dresser, and was disappointed to find it empty, save for some of their linens tucked away in the bottom drawer.

It appeared that Rafael’s gift was still in one of the mysterious boxes downstairs.

Rafael chose to see that as incentive, to get through them faster, and he went back downstairs feeling motivated for he first time all evening.

Not one to do unnecessary work, Rafael started with the boxes marked ‘Rafi’.

‘Rafi’. Not ‘Rafael’.

It had been forever since Sonny had called him ‘Rafael’.

He still remembered the first time Sonny had used the nickname. It was after a phone call with Lucia. Rafael had made the grave error of putting her on speaker while Sonny was in the room, reading quietly in his favorite armchair; incidentally, one of the few pieces of their old furniture which had found a place in their new home.

Lucia had been on speaker literally for five seconds, just long enough for Rafael to take a folder out of his briefcase, but those five seconds had been enough for her to make his life harder, as always.

_“Did you get my e-mail, Rafi?”_

Her voice had come out of the speaker, loud and clear.

Rafael had tried to play it off, to hide the fact he was mortified, hoping Sonny wouldn’t realize just what Lucia had said. Rafael had taken his mother off the speaker almost instantly, and then he had surreptitiously glanced at Sonny to check for a reaction.

Sonny had shown no outward signs of surprise, seemingly too engrossed in his novel.

‘Seemingly’ being the operative word.

It hadn’t been until later that Sonny had struck, just when Rafael had thought he was in the clear.

The doorbell had been Rafael’s undoing.

The doorbell had rung, and Sonny had slowly raised his head, looking right at Rafael, and he’d casually said, “Food’s here.”

Rafael had gotten halfway to the door when Sonny had hit him with the clincher.

“Rafi.”

Rafael had struggled not to smile. He had tried to appear irritated, the better to conceal his giddiness at hearing his childhood nickname from Sonny’s lips.

They’d only been together for about three months, and back then Rafael was still trying to pretend he wasn’t _that_ into Sonny, not beyond the physical.

Back then, Rafael was still lying to both himself and Sonny.

Not that Sonny believed him.

Sonny had always known.

Sonny...

Sonny would probably be there any minute now, and all Rafael had managed to do was take several trips down memory lane.

Rafael took a deep breath and tried to focus on the search for his gift.

He struck out with the first couple of boxes; the first one was full of his classical CDs, so he just dumped it near their entertainment center for Sonny to deal with later. The second box contained their DVD collection, and Rafael just kicked it near the first one.

This unpacking thing, it wasn’t so hard.

Not when Rafael could rely on Sonny to do all the tedious stuff later.

Rafael next decided to try his luck with a box marked ‘Misc.’, and was met with a jumble of extension cords and surge protectors and other items Rafael had absolutely no desire to deal with. He threw those in a heap, on top of their coffee table.

That was weird.

‘Their coffee table’.

‘Their bookcase,’ ‘their ties’, ‘their closet’, ‘their linens’.

Their house.

It was weird for Rafael to be thinking of everything in that house as ‘theirs’.

Weird and heartwarming.

They had lived together for four and a half years, and they had settled into a nice routine fairly quickly, but the fact they were at Rafael’s apartment had led to some awkward moments early on. It had taken a while for Sonny to feel comfortable calling it his place too. Calling _their_ place. Calling it home.

To be fair, Rafael hadn’t helped, what with saying things like, _‘my_ kitchen’ or _‘my_ bed’ or “No, Sonny, you can’t pick the new couch because this is _my_ living room and you have terrible taste.”

There was none of that now.

There was no ‘my’.

Now they had ‘their’ house.

Together.

Every single thing in it, the books, the ties, the furniture, the house itself, it was all theirs.

They were sharing everything.

Almost everything.

They weren’t sharing their lives officially.

Not in the eyes of the law.

Not yet.

Maybe soon, though.

Maybe they would sign on another dotted line together soon.

Maybe if Rafael thought it hard enough, it would happen.

Maybe if Rafael stopped wasting his time trying to conjure a proposal, he’d make actual progress with these stupid boxes.

Rafael grabbed the nearest box marked ‘Rafi’ and got back to work.

In it he found his alarm clock, his bedside lamp, the books he kept on his nightstand, his spare reading glasses which Sonny always liked to hide, and, to his delight, Sonny’s gift.

Rafael was lucky Sonny wasn’t there to witness this.

To witness Rafael caressing a small wooden box like it was his pet rabbit.

Rafael thought back to that night.

To their six-month anniversary.

Rafael remembered looking forward to Sonny’s gift. He remembered wondering what it would be, and if it’d be more romantic than fashion accessories. Rafael remembered getting more than a little impatient, after Sonny had excitedly promised to give him the present after their dinner.

And then, they’d had that conversation at the restaurant.

Then, Sonny had said, “I love you.”

Just like that, Rafael had forgotten all about presents and ties and anniversaries and Liv not telling him she was dating Ed Tucker. All Rafael could think about was ‘I love you’.

They had finished their dinner relatively quickly, skipping dessert, and they had returned to Sonny’s old apartment, and Rafael hadn’t even thought about the gift. Not once.

Rafael had been too busy pushing Sonny against the front door, kissing Sonny deeply, trying to take Sonny’s clothes off, laughing as Sonny had muttered, “Don’t wrinkle my new tie, it’s expensive.”

Rafael remembered thinking, ‘We’re going to make love’.

For the first time.

No.

Not for the first time.

Not even close.

Rafael knew that, even then.

Words were just that. The feeling itself, it had been there for a while.

From the start, maybe. At least for Sonny.

Sometimes it felt like Sonny had always loved him.

Sometimes Rafael wished he could say the same.

Sure, Rafael _had_ taken an unusual interest in Sonny, even before they had started dating, fixating on Sonny’s dimples and deciphering Sonny’s minute expressions and trying to improve Sonny’s mood.

Sure, Rafael _had_ embarrassed himself by making a truly cringe-worthy scene, back when he’d thought that Sonny was about to transfer out of Manhattan SVU before they had even kissed.

Sure, Rafael _had_ gotten attached to Sonny pretty quickly, despite his best efforts to prevent that.

But love?

Love had taken him a little longer.

Rafael wasn’t like Sonny. He wasn’t open, or optimistic, or honest with himself, so it had taken him some time to accept that his dates with this loudmouth lanky cop were the highlight of his weeks. To accept that this pasty kid from Staten Island actually made him happy.

Accepting that he loved Sonny, that had taken him a little longer.

And owning up to it? Owning up to his feelings? That would have taken forever, if Sonny hadn’t said it first.

That night, on their six-month anniversary, Sonny had said, “I love you,” and Rafael had said it back, and he had forgotten all about his gift until Sonny had abruptly interrupted their kiss to make a run for the bedroom.

And not in the usual way.

Sonny had promptly returned, holding a neatly wrapped package. Neatly wrapped, but not perfectly. Rafael had known, in that instant, that Sonny had wrapped it himself.

Rafael remembered thinking, ‘He loves me.’ Like that tiny little detail had convinced him. Not Sonny’s words, not Sonny’s eyes, not Sonny’s kiss.

The slightly clumsy wrapping of a present.

That had done it.

Rafael had carefully unwrapped the gift and the first thing he remembered feeling was relief, because the present wasn’t schmaltzy. In fact, it wasn’t any more romantic than the tie and pocket square he had gotten for Sonny.

It was just a beautiful wooden cufflink case.

Both he and Sonny had opted for style-oriented gifts, clearly on the same wavelength, and Rafael had found that sweet.

Sonny had anxiously muttered, “I hope you like it. I thought... You know, ‘cause you didn’t have one.”

Rafael had smiled, pleased to know that he wasn’t the only one second-guessing his choice of gift.

There had been no need for second-guessing. Sonny’s gift was ideal. Rafael had been keeping his cufflinks scattered in a drawer for months, which Sonny had apparently noticed. Rafael’s old case had gotten worn out, and he had yet to replace it because he’d been having trouble finding one he liked.

Sonny had solved that problem, somehow choosing the perfect case. All clean lines, a fine finish, heavy and solid, the wood a perfect warm brown.

Rafael had been about to compliment Sonny for finding such a lovely piece, when Sonny had muttered the rest of his sentence.

“...So I thought I’d make one for you.”

The case, it was handmade.

Sonny had made it.

For Rafael.

Sonny’s gift, as it turned out, it was considerably more romantic than a tie.

Rafael had still been trying to find the words to thank Sonny, when Sonny had started rambling, like he always did when he was nervous.

Sonny had said that he always liked making stuff in shop class, since he’d been a kid, and that all of his tools were in his parents’ garage, because there was no room in his apartment, Sonny had said that it had taken him a few trips to Staten Island until he could finish the gift, and then Sonny had mumbled, “...and, uh, I engraved it. I hope that’s okay.”

Rafael remembered thinking that ‘okay’ was an understatement.

The case, it was engraved with ‘R.B.’ on the outside, the letters bold and elegant, and Rafael remembered being confused about Sonny’s question. Why wouldn’t that be okay? It was just his initials.

And then Sonny had opened the case for him.

There was more.

On the inside of the cover, there was more.

_‘Love, Sonny.’_

Rafael had felt sixteen again.

Carving names on a piece of wood.

Love.

And that hadn’t been all, either.

Sonny had pulled a small envelope out of his jacket pocket.

An envelope containing a handwritten note, a card to go with the gift.

That card, it was Rafael’s most prized possession.

Which was why he had stashed it away and never brought it up again.

As Rafael held that cufflink case more than five years later, surrounded by a dozen boxes and already way behind schedule, he decided that now would be the perfect time to take another look at that card.

Rafael opened the case, and he carefully lifted the removable tray to reveal that same envelope, still there, safely tucked inside.

Rafael was _really_ lucky Sonny wasn’t there to witness this.

To witness Rafael’s fond expression as he read the card.

_‘Happy 6-month anniversary, Rafi. To many more._

_I love you._

_Sonny.’_

It wasn’t anything special. Just a run-of-the-mill wish.

Or so Rafael had tried to tell himself, back then, even though his heart rate told a different story.

Unfortunately, because Rafael was a jerk, and because Sonny’s gift had made him a little too emotional for comfort, he had resorted to sarcasm to conceal his reaction.

“Wait, you told me you loved me at the restaurant, and you engraved it on the case, and you also wrote on a card? Talk about overkill, Sonny.”

Sonny had blushed, looking away before answering.

“Yeah, yeah. I just... I wanted to make sure I’d tell you, alright? I was worried I was gonna lose my nerve at the restaurant. And then, what if I chickened out and didn’t give you the card? I figured the case was my best bet. I spent forever making it, and... you know. It was your present. I couldn’t _not_ give it to you.”

Rafael remembered thinking that was the sweetest thing he’d ever heard. Sonny, wanting to make sure Rafael got his ‘I love you.’

Rafael had dropped the act, dropped the sarcasm, and he’d just pulled Sonny closer.

Sonny had blushed even harder as they kissed.

It was so easy to make Sonny blush, back then.

Trying to get Sonny all hot and bothered used to be Rafael’s favorite pastime, even before, when he would only see Sonny at his office or the precinct once or twice a week.

And after they had gotten together, it had gotten even worse. Or better. Sonny had practically spent the entire first year of their relationship in a constant state of fluster.

Not anymore, though.

Sonny no longer got flustered by Rafael’s presence, or his comments, or his teasing.

Now, Sonny only blushed under very specific circumstances.

When Rafael was inside him, when Rafael’s hands were on him, when Rafael’s mouth was on him, too, that was when Sonny still blushed, cheeks pink, chest flushed and sweaty, lips red and soft, heartbeat strong and wild under Rafael’s palm, legs wrapped... 

Rafael shook his head.

He was hopeless. He was sitting there, caressing an old card and fantasizing about Sonny’s lips, when he had so much work do to. So much stuff to sort through.

And there really was _so_ much stuff.

It was nothing like when Sonny had moved into Rafael’s apartment, barely bringing a handful of boxes with him. Then again, most of Sonny’s stuff used to be at his parents’ house, stored in his old room, Sonny only keeping the bare minimum in that shoebox he used to call home.

As for the rest of Sonny’s stuff, it had found its way to their old place over the next four and a half years, slowly but steadily filling it up.  

Rafael couldn’t complain, of course. He had asked for it.

Literally.

Rafael had been too nervous to properly articulate his desire to live with Sonny, so he had just mumbled a vague, poorly worded suggestion.

_“...maybe, bring some more of your stuff with you.”_

That had been Rafael’s phrasing of choice.

Not ‘I love you and I want us to live together,’ not ‘I miss you when you’re not there,’ not even something trite but accurate like, ‘I think it’s time we took the next step in our relationship’.

Rafael had literally said, ‘Bring your stuff’. Like he was arranging a swap meet.

No wonder he was apprehensive about proposing.

And, to make matters even worse, Rafael had followed up that half-assed offer with an insult.

Either out of nervousness, or out of embarrassment, because he was about to live with someone for the first time, at the tender age of forty-something, Rafael had turned the asshole dial to eleven, and he had scolded Sonny for cluttering up his apartment.

To Rafael’s relief, Sonny had still said yes.

Sonny had seen right through him.

As always.

The truth was, Rafael had only said that because he had been ever so slightly afraid of rejection.

The truth was, Rafael loved having Sonny’s stuff at his place. That was why he had asked for more.

Rafael always loved the clutter.

From the start.

Even before they had officially moved in together, Rafael loved stumbling into Sonny’s things. Rafael loved seeing all these little objects which were so clearly not his, scattered randomly all over his apartment.

Every single stray item, left behind by Sonny throughout their first year of dating, it would serve as a constant reminder that Rafael wasn’t alone anymore.

Every pair of old sneakers several sizes too large to be Rafael’s, ever pair of tight jeans several sizes too small to be Rafael’s, every ugly tie several dollars too cheap to be Rafael’s.

Every book Sonny kept leaving on Rafael’s coffee table, every electronic device he kept leaving plugged into Rafael’s outlets, every coffee mug or cereal bowl he kept leaving in Rafael’s sink, like that was where it all belonged.

Like that was where Sonny belonged.

Everything.

Everything in that old apartment was now jam-packed into the boxes laid out in front of Rafael.

Rafael sighed and checked his watch.

It was getting late, he had wasted hours doing nothing, Sonny would probably be there in a few minutes, and Rafael had no excuse.

Sonny would have every right to call Rafael out, t-

Oh.

Sonny wasn’t calling Rafael _out,_ not yet at least, but he was calling.

Sonny was calling, and Rafael had only gotten through five boxes, three of which he had practically left untouched, and this was not good.

Rafael considered his options.

Lying was out of the question. Sonny would get there soon enough, and there was no use in trying to claim progress when it was plainly obvious that Rafael had shirked his duties.

Preemptively apologizing seemed a little over the top, especially over the phone. Sonny always took better to Rafael’s groveling when he witnessed it in person.

Rafael decided to go with a diversion, instead. He decided to offhandedly mention how he had just been looking at the cufflink case Sonny had made him, and how beautiful it was, and how much he loved it, and how talented Sonny was at handling wood.

That was it.

A bad pun would definitely buy Rafael some goodwill.

Feeling considerably more optimistic, Rafael picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Rafi. We’re almost done here. Are you still at the house?”

Rafael instantly abandoned his plan.

Sonny didn’t sound right. Didn’t sound like himself. Sonny sounded quiet, and sad, and Rafael barely managed to clamp down on his panic as he answered.

“Yes. Is everything alright?”

Sonny exhaled, but didn’t answer.

The case.

It had to be.

Rafael felt like a terrible person, because his first reaction was relief. Sonny wasn’t hurt. Sonny was fine. It was just the case.

‘Just’ the case, involving a missing seven-year-old boy.

“Did you find the boy, Sonny?”

Sonny exhaled again.

“Yeah. He’s... He’s alive.”

Rafael knew what that meant. Alive, but not well.

“Did you catch th-”

“Yeah. Yes. We got him.”

Rafael nodded. That was probably little consolation to that poor child, or to Sonny, for that matter, but it was something.

“Good. That’s good. Listen, if I leave now I can be at home in about half an hour. How’s that?”

“You _are_ home, Rafi.”

Rafael smiled.

He was home, though it didn’t feel like much of a home without Sonny in it.

Which was a thought possibly too mushy even for Sonny himself, so Rafael opted not to share it.

“Our coffee machine isn’t here. This is not my home.”

Sonny laughed quietly.

Rafael loved that sound. Loved the fact he could still make Sonny laugh, even at a moment like this.

“You should’ve let me pack it, Rafi. We’re moving in a couple of days. We’ve packed almost everything else.”

Rafael appreciated the use of ‘we’, inaccurate though it was.

“That coffee machine will be the last thing to leave our apartment, Sonny. I refuse to live without it, even for a second.”

Sonny laughed again.

“Right. What was I thinking? Listen, um, I’ll come to you, okay? I’ll help you unpack.”

Rafael thought that was a very bad idea, and not just because he would get busted about slacking off.

Sonny was clearly upset, and he needed to be in a familiar place. He needed to be at home, not at some random, new house littered with unpacked boxes.

“Forget about it, Sonny. You need something to eat, and you need to get some sleep. Just go to our apartment. I can be ther-”

“Nah, I can’t really eat right now. And I don’t think I can sleep either. And I don’t wanna... No, I’ll come to you. You stay where you are, okay? I’ll come to you and I’ll get working on those boxes. I’ll set everything up. It’ll take my mind off things.”

Oh.

Sonny didn’t want familiar.

Sonny wanted new.

“Alright, Sonny. I’ll be here.”

“Okay. Thanks. And don’t worry about unpacking, okay, Rafi? I’ll do the rest. You take it easy. Take a break, alright? Maybe, I don’t know. Maybe rearrange the closet for the tenth time. Okay? Maybe sort our ties by width. I’ll do the rest when I get there.”

Rafael felt immeasurably guilty.

Sonny was trying to make a joke, even now. Sonny was telling him to take it easy, when all Rafael had done for the past several hours was fondle some ties and reminisce.

“I don’t th-”

“I gotta go now, okay, Rafi? I’ll be there in an hour and a half, two hours tops. Love you.”

Sonny sounded pained.

Dejected.

Rafael didn’t know what to do. How to help.

“I love you too, Sonny.”

Maybe that would do it.

The call disconnected a split second after Rafael spoke.

But not before.

Sonny had waited on the line. He had waited to hear Rafael’s ‘I love you’ before hanging up.

Rafael took that as a good sign.

He knew from experience that hearing an ‘I love you’ could go a long way.

And reading an ‘I love you,’ that was pretty good too.

Rafael’s eyes fell on Sonny’s little card on their coffee table, right where he had left it before answering the phone.

Reading and rereading that card, it had gotten Rafael through a lot of bad days.

Sometimes happy memories were the only thing that could help.

Rafael put the card back inside the case.

He had about two hours at his disposal, he had about ten boxes to go, and he had absolutely zero intention of letting Sonny lift a finger.

It wouldn’t be easy, but Rafael would make it happen. He’d finish everything up, making their new home presentable for Sonny, and then he’d order a pizza, and then he’d make sure Sonny ate at least some of it, and then he’d make damn sure that Sonny got a good night’s sleep.

Rafael took a deep breath.

He wasn’t sure which of these goals was the most unrealistic.

The boxes, probably.

Still.

Rafael was determined to try.

~ ~ ~

It was about an hour later when Rafael’s phone rang again.

By that time, Rafael had neatly arranged all the CDs and the DVDs, his _and_ Sonny’s, on their respective shelves, and he had either set up or stashed away most of their smaller appliances, depending on frequency of use, same with their pots and pans, and he had actually sorted that jumble of cables, and he had stuffed their dresser with even more linens, and he still had a few boxes to go but he was making great progress.

Rafael reached for his phone, only to see that it wasn’t Sonny calling.

It was Liv.

Rafael wasn’t sure if that was better or worse.

“Hey, Liv.”

“Hi. Listen, Rafael, I’m just calling to let you know that we had a rough case tonight. You might wanna keep an eye on Sonny.”

Rafael’s first thought was that it was nice of Liv to call. To care about Sonny, and she called him Sonny now, by the way. To care enough to bother giving Rafael a heads up.

Rafael’s second thought was a lot less heartwarming. If Liv was calling him, that meant Sonny’s distress was blatantly obvious. That meant she was worried.

“Yes, I know. He called me about an hour ago. He didn’t tell me much. Just that you found the boy. What happened?”

Liv didn’t sound so good herself, her usual strength tempered by weariness, and Rafael hated asking her for details.

Still, he needed to know what to expect when Sonny got there.

“The neighbor had the boy, like we feared. For a whole day. Locked up in his brother’s basement. We got the address from an old loan the brother had co-signed five years ago. We went over there and discovered the brother was deaf. He told us he’d had no contact with our perp in years, and then Sonny heard a noise. The brother had no idea. We found our guy trying to escape through the basement window, and we found the boy, too. Alive.”

Rafael couldn’t understand how a word like ‘alive’ could sound so hopeless.

“Alright. Thank you. Are _you_ okay, Liv?”

Liv sighed.

“I’ve been better. But Sonny, he’s the one who’s taking it hard. He still hasn’t gotten used to this. It’s been almost seven years, Rafael. You’d think he’d be used to it by now.”

Rafael didn’t think that was an option. Not for Sonny.

Liv and Rafael, they had made their peace with it. With the job. With the pain, permeating their lives. Rafael hadn’t even worked Special Victims in over nine months, not since the election, and the echoes of pain still lingered.

He could only imagine how much louder those echoes were for Liv. She had been with SVU for decades. Way longer than anyone Rafael had ever known. Then again, she was way stronger than anyone Rafael had ever known, too. She had learned to anticipate the worst. She had her defenses, her ways of coping. She had her son. Her squad. She had Tucker. Her friends. She had Rafael.

And Rafael himself, he had stopped getting scarred years ago. Sometimes he felt like his entire heart was scar tissue now, like that was the reason he didn’t feel pain anymore. Because he couldn’t. He was too mangled already. Beyond repair, but also beyond further damage. After everything he’d seen, everything he’d heard from the victims and from the monsters, for years and years, Rafael had lost all sensation.

He had lost all feeling.

Sonny hadn’t.

Sonny’s scars kept forming. Piling up, still. One after another. Seven years in, and Rafael was surprised there was still room in Sonny’s heart for more.

Seven years.

It was hard to believe that it had been seven years ago when that overeager, loud and lanky twenty-eight-year-old had waltzed into the precinct in a tragic suit and an even more tragic mustache.

Sonny had changed so much since then, certainly on a sartorial level, but one thing hadn’t changed. Sonny still felt pain.

Rafael would forget about that, sometimes, too focused on Sonny’s physical pain. On that arm that still gave Sonny trouble whenever the weather changed. Rafael would focus on the fear that Sonny might get hurt again, and he would forget that Sonny _did_ get hurt every day, just not in th-

“Rafael?”

Oh.

Right.

Liv was still on the other end of the line.

“Yes, I know. I know. I’ve given up hope. I don’t think Sonny will ever get used to this.”

Rafael could hear Liv humming.

“Well. If you haven’t managed to teach him how to stop caring in all these years, he’s a lost cause. Take care of him, alright? And tell him Ed sends his regards.”

Rafael chuckled. Tucker had a real soft spot for Sonny. Liv would always joke that she had to give out two weekly reports on Sonny’s progress, one to Rafael and one to Tucker. Like she was Sonny’s teacher and they were his divorced parents.

Strange as that was, not to mention highly disturbing, it still made Rafael feel better. He appreciated knowing that he wasn’t the only one who worried about Sonny. Tucker, Liv, Amanda. Rafael was happy Sonny had people who cared.

“I’ll tell him. And you, take care of yourself, alright, Liv? Goodnight.”

“Actually, _Ed_ will be taking care of me, which I see you’re still trying to ignor-”

 _“Goodnight,_ Liv.”

Liv hung up with a laugh.

Rafael smiled to himself, pleased he had cheered her up, if only a little.

Maybe Rafael had failed to teach Sonny how to stop caring, but Sonny had taught him how to start caring.

How to be kinder.

Hell, Sonny had made him _want_ to be kinder in the first place, a notion Rafael would have dismissed as ridiculous just a few years earlier.

Rafael still had a lot to learn, of course. Being kind, it took a lot of effort for someone like him. Rafael wasn’t a natural at it, he couldn’t brighten up everyone’s day with a smile, not like Sonny could.

But Rafael could always brighten up Sonny’s day, and he didn’t even have to smile to do it.

Rafael could brighten up Sonny’s day with a sarcastic joke, or a snippy comment, or even an insult, sometimes.

Sonny was easy.

Sonny didn’t need much.

Sonny was always happy.

Except when he wasn’t.

Every now and then, Sonny’s spirit would get crushed, just for a little while. It was always the job that did it. It was always something tragic, something unspeakable making Sonny question his faith in humanity.

Rafael would try harder, on those days.

Rafael would try to smile enough for the both of them, just until Sonny could bounce back.

Sonny always bounced back.

Rafael was dreading the day he wouldn’t.

With another exhale, Rafael got back to work.

The speed with which he got through the remaining boxes was frankly impressive. Not stopping for a stroll down memory lane every two minutes definitely helped, but Rafael liked to think it was mostly the sheer force of his determination.

By midnight, he was done.

Done with the boxes, because Rafael still had to make the bed.

Going by their phone call, Sonny didn’t want to go back to their apartment tonight. Sonny wanted a change of scenery, and Rafael was going to make sure he got it.

New house, new bedroom, new bed, new linens, and same old Rafael.

Rafael hoped it would be enough.  

And he also hoped to grab a quick shower before Sonny got there, because with all the unpacking he had really worked up a sweat.

Before Rafael started on the bed, he took a peek inside their nightstand drawers, curious because he hadn’t found anything in any of the boxes he had unpacked.

The drawer on Rafael’s side was basically empty, which was to be expected. They always kept everything on Sonny’s side, because Sonny always did all the work.

Unsurprisingly, Sonny’s nightstand drawer was fully stocked. Unlike their new fridge or their pantry or their medicine cabinet. Not a single thing was missing, and everything was neatly laid out, and Rafael suspected Sonny had bought duplicates because he was pretty sure he had seen most of this stuff back at their apartment last night.

Rafael just wished Sonny had shown the same meticulousness in handling the rest of their belongings.

Still, a full goodie drawer was a good thing. Sonny was almost there, and he would need cheering up, in one way or another, and if new linens didn’t do the trick maybe this would.

Either way, Rafael was glad to have a full arsenal at his disposal.

Just in case.

Whatever Sonny needed.

As Rafael struggled with the bed sheets, not to mention the truly overwhelming number of throw pillows which Sonny always insisted on, it finally sunk in that they were about to spend their first night in their new house.

Which also meant they were about to spend their first night in their new bed.

Rafael tried not to get distracted again, he really did, but he couldn’t help remembering the first time Sonny had slept in _his_ bed.

Rafael couldn’t help remembering those wine red sheets, and the way Sonny had looked against them, all pale and flushed and young and willing.

Rafael couldn’t help remembering how eager Sonny had been to enjoy Rafael’s king-size bed. How eager Sonny had been to touch him.

It wasn’t hard to recall that eagerness.

It was extremely easy, in fact.

Sonny was still just as eager, five and a half years later.

The only difference was the color of the sheets. Throughout the course of their relationship, most of Rafael’s sexy and alluring bachelor bed sheets had been gradually replaced by brighter, happier colors and, to his eternal dismay, soft pastels.

Sonny’s influence, needless to say.

Sonny was always making everything brighter and happier.

And a little less classy, but Rafael didn’t mind.

He just drew the line at florals.

Rafael finished making the bed and stood in the middle of the room.

Rafael looked at the decidedly tacky bedspread, _their_ tacky bedspread, his and Sonny’s, and thought it was the ultimate proof of his love.  

Rafael looked at their bed, huge and inviting, and he wondered if it was weird that he could practically see Sonny in it.

Rafael looked at their bedroom, warm and cozy and familiar, even though they’d never slept in it once.

Rafael looked at the cufflink case Sonny made for him, sitting on their dresser, as always, that little card safely hidden inside, and he felt he was home.


	2. Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael helps Sonny forget.

Sonny was late.

It was now over two and a half hours since he had called, saying he’d be two hours tops, and Rafael was getting antsy.

Rafael had decided to wait for Sonny to get there before taking a sorely needed shower, but he was now regretting that decision.

The only reason he had even decided to wait, was the fact he wanted to welcome Sonny into their new home properly. Rafael wanted to wait by the door and greet a weary Sonny with a kiss or a hug.

Whatever Sonny needed.

Not that Sonny was likely to need a sweaty hug from Rafael, but still. It beat the alternative, i.e. Rafael being stuck in the shower while Sonny arrived to find a virtually empty house.

But the clock was ticking, and Rafael _really_ needed that shower, so he figured he’d try his luck and hope Sonny wouldn’t come home and catch him all soaped up and unawares.

Rafael quickly ordered some pizza, hoping it would arrive after he got out of the shower but before Sonny got there, and then he tried taking off his t-shirt when he was startled by a wolf whistle.

“Jesus, Sonny! You almost gave me a heart attack.”

That wasn’t exactly the warm and gentle welcome Rafael had planned on giving Sonny, but Rafael ignored that and focused on the fact Sonny was there.

Sonny was there, standing in the doorway, having gotten in the house undetected, probably while Rafael had been on the phone with the pizza place, and he was smiling.

Sonny was smiling.

It wasn’t one of his full, happy smiles, but it was a smile, and that was good enough.

“Looking good there, Rafi.”

Rafael raised a skeptical eyebrow, and Sonny’s smile turned into a small, sweet grin.

Before Rafael could respond by saying that ‘good’ was a wildly inaccurate way to describe his current appearance, Sonny stepped closer and pulled him into a hug.

If Rafael didn’t know any better, he’d think nothing was wrong. Sonny had come home with a smile on his face and a flirty comment at the ready, which was pretty much the norm.

But Rafael did know better.

Rafael could feel the sheer force of Sonny’s grip around his shoulders, he could feel Sonny’s arms tightening around him, he could feel Sonny’s hands straining, Sonny’s fingers digging into his skin.

There was definitely something wrong, and Rafael needed to fix it.

“You call this looking good? I’m looking exhausted and clammy, not to mention filthy. There was so much dust. Didn’t you know you were supposed to wipe everything down before you pack... before we packed it?”

Sonny chuckled and kissed Rafael’s temple.

“You got so much done, Rafi. The place looks great. I’m sorry I doubted you. I thought for sure you were gonna half-ass it. I figured you were just gonna unpack a couple of boxes and then whine about your bad back and leave the rest to me.”

Rafael placed a kiss on Sonny’s neck before blatantly lying.

“Honestly, Sonny, I don’t know where you get these ideas.”

Sonny actually laughed this time, his body shaking against Rafael’s chest.

Rafael was determined to keep Sonny laughing for the entire night. For as long as he could. Forever, if possible.

Forever.

That was the plan.

As soon as Sonny stopped laughing, he leaned down for a real kiss, and Rafael finally got a good look at his face.

Sonny’s eyes, they were dark.

He was smiling, still, dimples and laugh lines all on display, but his eyes were dark.

Pain.

Rafael tried not to kiss back too urgently.

He tried not to squeeze too tight, he tried not to make a single sound as Sonny gave him one soft kiss after another.

_Too_ soft.

Sonny kept kissing Rafael, and his kisses were as fragile as his grip was strong.

Rafael went along with it.

Whatever Sonny needed.

Rafael let Sonny kiss him slowly, move from his lips to his jaw, to his neck.

Rafael let Sonny kiss him quietly, and he didn’t speak up until Sonny tried to grab at his t-shirt while simultaneously licking at his collarbone.

“I’m going to stop you before you kiss anything else, Sonny. I need a shower.”

Sonny pulled away, and his eyes looked a tiny bit brighter, just from the promise of getting to kiss more of Rafael’s body later.

Rafael really loved Sonny.

Still smiling, Sonny licked his lips and then he started rubbing Rafael’s biceps.

“What you need, Rafi, is to start wearing more tight t-shirts like this one.”

It was Rafael’s turn to laugh as Sonny started pawing at his arms, his chest, his belly. It mystified Rafael, the way Sonny always loved touching him, even the parts of him that were less than perfect.

“This isn’t meant to be a tight t-shirt, Sonny. I just need to go up a size.”

Sonny snorted and gave Rafael another kiss.

There was no doubt in Rafael’s mind that Sonny knew exactly what was happening. Rafael was never this self-deprecating without an ulterior motive. Rafael was sure that his attempts to cheer Sonny up were embarrassingly transparent.

Fortunately, it seemed that Sonny had no intention of calling him out, too busy playing with the strained fabric of Rafael’s t-shirt.

“What you _need,_ Rafi, is to take this off. Now.”

Rafael let Sonny pull off that unfortunately snug t-shirt, and he hummed as Sonny started caressing his now bare chest.

Sonny’s hands were cold.

“I really do need a shower, Sonny.”

Sonny nodded.

“Okay. But I’m coming with. I could use one too.”

Rafael thought Sonny could probably use a lot more than a shower, but this was a good start.

“We better hurry, then. Pizza’s on its way.”

Sonny smiled again, and then his smile got even wider as Rafael started getting him undressed, hands straying, touching way more of Sonny’s body than was strictly necessary.

Rafael was dying to ask.

Rafael wanted to know if Sonny was just going through the motions or if he really felt a little better, courtesy of their kisses.

Rafael wanted to hear about the case from Sonny’s lips, because that was the only way to know for sure that Sonny was okay.

Rafael didn’t ask.

He just kept undressing Sonny.

The questions could wait until later.

After their shower. After their dinner.

Sonny deserved a few moments of calm, first.

Rafael grabbed a couple of towels and followed Sonny into their new and significantly roomier bathroom, relieved to recall he had unpacked some shampoo bottles earlier.

Sonny was standing naked, taking in the room.

Still smiling.

“You know, Rafi, if I weren’t dead on my feet right now, I’d be getting ideas. This shower is huge.”

Rafael smirked and he guided Sonny into the stall, a steady hand on Sonny’s back.

“Like I said, Sonny. We don’t have much time. Pizza’s on its way. And I don’t know about you, but I haven’t eaten all day.”

Dammit.

Rafael had to turn away to conceal his wince, busying himself with their new and elaborate faucet.

He hadn’t meant to allude to the day’s events.

This shower was supposed to be relaxing, and soothing, and cleansing in more ways than one. Sonny’s day was off limits, as long as he and Rafael were under the stream of the water.

By the time Rafael turned back around, Sonny’s smile was gone.

Rafael needed to distract Sonny again.

Inspiration struck when he started washing Sonny’s hair.

Just like he had after their first night together.

“Remember the first time we took a shower together? At your old place? In that tiny shower stall that could barely fit you?”

The corners of Sonny’s lips turned upwards, just like that.

“You mean after you barged in and made a scene about me leaving you, even though we weren’t even dating? After you accused me of leading you on? After you said I was only using you as a plaything, to pass the time, because I was j-”

_“Yes,_ Sonny. That’s what I mean.”

Rafael didn’t need to hear any more. He had lived it. It was a testament to his devotion that he had even mentioned that highly embarrassing incident.

Sonny’s lips almost formed a smile, and Rafael thought the embarrassment was worth it.

“I remember it was after the first time we made love.”

Rafael barely stopped himself before rolling his eyes.

Of _course_ Sonny would call it ‘making love’, even though in reality it had been closer to ‘passionate rutting’ or maybe ‘enthusiastic humping’.

With a little love.

Sometimes it felt like Sonny had always loved him.

Rafael rinsed Sonny’s hair and started washing Sonny’s back, their bodies flush against each other now, his arms closing around Sonny’s waist.

“Why do you ask, Rafi?”

Sonny looked curious.

And happy.

“No reason. I just remembered we had pizza after that shower, too.”

Sonny smiled a real smile.

“Remember what we did _during_ that shower?”

Rafael remembered that fondly, as did Sonny, going by his dreamy expression.

“You mean when you almost elbowed me in the face?”

Sonny kept smiling.

“I didn’t, though! Plus, I don’t think we’re gonna have that problem ever again.  Not in here. Not with all this space.”

Rafael smiled back.

Rafael moved his hands lower, to the small of Sonny’s back, to Sonny’s ass, and then even lower, fingers teasing, getting a small flinch in return.

Rafael kept his hands moving, he kept touching Sonny everywhere he could reach, hoping his touch would somehow prove soothing, and Sonny let him.

But Rafael didn’t just stick to touching.

There were kisses, too.

Rafael kept stealing kisses, small licks, soft bites.

Rafael kept licking droplets of water as they dripped from Sonny’s lips, Sonny’s cheekbones, Sonny’s jaw.

Rafael kept rubbing the shampoo all over Sonny’s body, foam everywhere, everything wet and smooth and slippery and hard, Sonny was hard already, and Rafael was right behind him, gettin-

“Rafi?”

Rafael looked up at Sonny nonchalantly, even though his hand was already snaking down Sonny’s lean stomach.

“Can I help you with something, Sonny?”

Sonny’s hips jerked the moment Rafael’s hand made contact, the moment Rafael took Sonny in his hand, tightening his fist.

“I thought we didn’t have time for hanky panky.”

Rafael’s hand stilled.

This was the man he wanted to marry.

“We don’t. Not if you keep calling it hanky panky.”

Sonny cracked up, his laughter reverberating off the walls.

This was more like it.

Sonny put his arms around Rafael’s waist, stepping even closer, and he started moving his hips, urging Rafael to keep stroking.

Rafael did.

Rafael kept stroking, and Sonny kept moving, and Sonny was so slender and so wiry and so wet, and Rafael felt like he was trying to hold onto an eel as he fought to keep Sonny from squirming.

Sonny’s hands moved up to Rafael’s back, sliding, searching, fingers trying to sink into Rafael’s skin for a second before slipping, again and again, the water making it impossible for Sonny to maintain his grip.

Sonny kept trying, anyway.

He kept trying to touch Rafael.

To hold on.

Rafael pulled Sonny closer, Rafael caught another drop of water as it was running down Sonny’s chin, chased it back up until he got to Sonny’s lips, Rafael bit at Sonny’s bottom lip until Sonny opened his mouth for a deeper kiss.

This, _this_ was more like it.

Rafael took his time enjoying the kiss, enjoying the feeling of the warm water, the feeling of Sonny’s warm mouth, Sonny’s warm hands, Sonny’s warm chest sliding against his, the feeling of Sonny, hot in his hand, getting harder and harder.

He was sure he’d regret it later, but after a few minutes Rafael pulled away and slowly, carefully, slid down on his knees.

Sonny looked equal parts aroused and concerned.

Rafael wondered when he had gotten so old that his kneeling in a shower was cause for concern.

“Are you sure about this, Rafi? Maybe we should get out of here, it’d be better for your-”

“Are _you_ sure you want to finish that sentence, Sonny?”

Sonny grinned.

“Nope.”

Sonny no longer looked concerned. He just looked amused.

Rafael was happy his ostensible physical deterioration was at least good for something.

“Good. Now be quiet. And spread your legs a little. And turn down the water pressure.”

There may have been a scoff or three, but Sonny did as Rafael asked.

“So bossy. Done and done. Anything else?”

Rafael looked up, his hand giving stroke after firm stroke, and tried to look as intimidating as he possibly could with his lips less than an inch away from Sonny’s erection.

“Yes. Don’t take too long. If the pizza comes before you do, it won’t be my problem.”

Sonny laughed again.

Sonny laughed and put his hands on Rafael’s face.

Rafael was amused by the gentleness of the touch. It was obvious that Sonny couldn’t wait to push into Rafael’s mouth, but he was trying to play coy, to act all tender and sweet.

Rafael licked his lips and l-

“Love you, Rafi.”

Oh.

Not an act.

Rafael exhaled.

He didn’t want to look up again. He knew his expression would give him away. Maybe he had succeeded in making Sonny forget, for a moment or two, but Rafael hadn’t forgotten was this was about.

Pain.

Rafael kept his head down.

“Thanks, Sonny, but I haven’t even started yet. And I thought I told you to be quiet.”

Sonny kept laughing, he kept caressing Rafael’s face gently, waiting for Rafael to finally move.

Which Rafael needed to do yesterday; he was only half-joking about the pizza.

Still stroking, Rafael leaned forward and bit into Sonny’s hip, the sensation of the water falling all around him overwhelming, drops and drops of water running down Sonny’s body and onto Rafael’s tongue.

It was hard to remember why they didn’t do this more often. Rafael loved it. Loved feeling like he was drinking Sonny up.

Rafael remembered why, as soon as he tried to shuffle a few inches forward. The stress he was putting on his knees wasn’t-

“You alright down there, Rafi?”

Apparently Sonny had caught Rafael’s wince.

Or, possibly, his pained grunt.

This wasn’t the plan.

Sonny wasn’t supposed to be softly patting the back of Rafael’s head in obvious concern. Sonny was supposed to be enjoying himself, thrusting hard and fast and letting Rafael worry about the rest.

Rafael bit Sonny’s hip a little harder, this time.

“Be. _Quiet.”_

Rafael finally took Sonny in his mouth, stopping Sonny’s snickering a moment after it started.

Rafael sucked Sonny slowly, little by little, his tongue easing Sonny in, Rafael sucked and licked and sucked until he practically swallowed Sonny down.

The sound Sonny made definitely wasn’t quiet, but at least he wasn’t talking.

Rafael slowly pulled back, lips dragging, his tongue never leaving Sonny, and he gripped Sonny’s thighs before diving back in.

Sonny wasn’t moving much, wasn’t even thrusting yet, and Rafael would be having doubts about Sonny’s commitment to this endeavor if it weren’t for the way Sonny was twitching inside his mouth.

The water was making everything feel different. The friction, the temperature, the texture, the taste, the feel of Sonny’s skin, everything was different.

Everything but the low moans spilling out of Sonny’s mouth, and the little flutter of Sonny’s stomach every time Rafael took him all the way in, and the tight grip Sonny had on Rafael’s hair.

Rafael kept sucking, in and out, Rafael kept licking, kept letting Sonny slide in and out of his mouth, Rafael kept rubbing his soft lips on Sonny’s hard flesh, up and down, placing small kisses along the way, Rafael kept going, kept waiting for Sonny to stop holding back.

That wasn’t happening, though. Sonny’s thrusts were so shallow that his hips were barely moving.

Rafael decided to take matters into his own hands.

Literally.

He moved his hands up, from Sonny’s thighs to Sonny’s hips, and he gave one hard pull as he swallowed Sonny down again, Rafael held Sonny there as he exhaled through his nose, Rafael held firm, even as Sonny tried to move away.

Sonny eventually got the message, and he thrust inside, deep, once, before he drew back and started moving his hips like he meant it.

Finally.

Rafael closed his eyes and tried to ignore the fact he had to practically force Sonny into motion. He knew Sonny was holding back to protect him. To avoid any hanky panky-related accidents which would be a pain to explain to the paramedics, especially for the Manhattan District Attorney.

Rafael found that sweet, but also unnecessary.

He wasn’t _that_ old.

Not yet.

Then again, thoughts of that inbound pizza _had_ started running through his mind as he was sucking Sonny to the hilt, so maybe Rafael _was_ that old. Dinner with Sonny almost sounded better than sex with Sonny.

In that moment, with Sonny deep inside his mouth and moaning above him, Rafael realized that he was practically married to Sonny already.

And also that he was _definitely_ that old.

Oh well.

Rafael listened to Sonny’s moans for a little while longer. Or maybe it was a lot longer, Rafael wasn’t sure. It was hard to keep track of time when Sonny was gliding through his lips, Sonny’s thrusts getting deeper and faster.

But not fast enough.

Sonny was taking his sweet time, moving at a steady pace with no sign of a climax on the horizon.

After several moments, Rafael pulled away.

“Hurry up, Sonny.”

It was hard not to laugh at Sonny’s responding groan.

“Quit ruining it, Rafi.”

Rafael had to see Sonny’s expression.

As he looked up, he almost wished he hadn’t.

Sonny was beautiful.

Sonny was smirking, of course he was, his slim hips idly gyrating, searching for Rafael’s mouth again.

Sonny was flushed, pink all over, most likely from the hot water, but Rafael was choosing to believe it was his tongue causing it.

Sonny was bare, and wet, and dripping all over Rafael, Sonny’s hair was loose, curling over his forehead, droplets coming down constantly, countless rivulets all over his chest, the flow of the water only interrupted by the angles of Sonny’s body, by Sonny’s collarbone, by Sonny’s nipples, by the corners of Sonny’s hips.

Rafael licked his lips, less to lap at the water and more because of the appetizing view. Rafael started kissing Sonny’s lower stomach, taking small bites out of Sonny’s barely-there belly, his tongue tracing the faint hair on Sonny’s abs all the way up to Sonny’s bellybutton, dipping in t-

“Hurry up, Rafi.”

Oh.

Right.

Rafael had gotten a little carried away.

This time he didn’t look up, not wanting to see what was surely the world’s cockiest grin on Sonny’s face.

Rafael just put his mouth on Sonny again, pretending he couldn’t hear Sonny’s laughter over the sound of the water.

He really needed to hurry things along.

And not just because of the pizza.

Rafael needed to come too, soon, _badly,_ but he had to take care of Sonny first.

Rafael always had to take care of Sonny first.

Which was why he moved his hands to Sonny’s ass, grabbing it tightly and taking Sonny in, even deeper. Sonny’s moans got louder as Rafael’s hands started spreading Sonny’s ass open, fingers rubbing over it, softly, Sonny gasped as Rafael slipped a finger inside, barely, Sonny too tight for anything more.

“Rafi...”

Rafael kept pushing his finger deeper, curling it, Rafael kept his tongue rubbing against Sonny, Rafael tried to keep Sonny’s hips from snapping too h-

“Rafi...”

Rafael pulled Sonny out of his mouth and looked up again, smirking, his finger still pushing in.

“What?”

Sonny clearly did not appreciate Rafael’s smirk.

“Gonna come.”

Rafael raised an eyebrow.

“That’s the point.”

Sonny did not appreciate Rafael’s sass, either.

“Why you gotta ruin everything, Rafi?”

Rafael kept smirking as he started stroking Sonny with his hand.

Sonny was so hard and so thick and so ready.

Rafael kept stroking, faster, kept curling his finger, deep inside Sonny’s ass.

Sonny grabbed Rafael’s shoulders with both hands, the splashing water barely drowning out his loud moans.

“Seriously Rafi, I’m gonna come.”

Rafael kept his eyes up, his hand moving even faster.

He was probably going to regret this later too, but what the hell. It was their first time in this house, it should be memorable.

“Do it.”

To Sonny’s credit, it looked like he instantly knew what Rafael meant by that.

Sonny did seem a little apprehensive, though he didn’t stop thrusting into Rafael’s fist, not for a second.

“You sure?”

Rafael would have scoffed at the question, but Sonny wasn’t wrong to ask. This was the sort of thing they did mostly by accident, and because Sonny’s aim was at times questionable.

Rafael gave Sonny a slow, long lick and then he started stroking harder.

“Yes.”

That resounding ‘yes’ seemed to be good enough for Sonny, who replaced Rafael’s fist with his own, his free hand still clutching at Rafael’s shoulder.

Sonny started stroking himself, faster and faster, as Rafael watched, as Rafael urged him along with the twist of a finger, with small licks and kisses, tongue flat and mouth open.

“You’re killing me, Rafi.”

It was the other way around, actually, but Rafael chose not to correct Sonny.

“Come on.”

Sonny did.

Sonny came, finally, fluttering around Rafael’s finger, Sonny painted Rafael’s face, and it was the strangest sensation, as Sonny kept coming, spilling on Rafael’s cheek, on Rafael’s chin, some of it getting in Rafael’s mouth, mixed in with the hot water, everything so warm and wet.

Sonny looked and sounded totally gone, gasping and coming, stomach twitching, eyes wide open as he watched Rafael taking it, and taking it, hips jumping less and less and less, until he was done.

Rafael caught the last few drops on his tongue. He didn’t even have to lick Sonny clean, which was unfortunate because Rafael loved doing it. This time the water was doing all the work for him, washing everything off of Sonny’s body, off of Rafael’s face. Rafael kept licking, anyway, he kept lick-

“Get up here, Rafi.”

Rafael kept licking because he wasn’t actually sure he _could_ get up. Not after several minutes of kneeling on a hard surface, not to mention the several hours he had spent unpacking all those boxes and going up and down those damn stairs. His thighs were killing him, and he could barely feel his knees.

At least Sonny was there to help him up.

Or to catch him.

Either one.

Sonny seemed to pick up on Rafael’s quandary, which was embarrassing in itself, and he reached down to offer a helping hand.

It was the sweetest thing, how Sonny was trying to pretend like he wasn’t pulling Rafael up by himself, like Rafael wasn’t practically dead weight at his feet.

Rafael made yet another mental note, to text Carmen and ask her to reschedule all his morning meetings. Maybe he could text Liv, too. Get her to give Sonny the morning off. Maybe they could stay in, have breakfast in bed in their new home, in th-

“What are you smiling about, counselor?”

Sonny was smiling too.

Sonny looked clean and fresh and relaxed and happy. Like nothing was weighing on his mind.

At least for now.

“What are _you_ smiling about, detective?”

Sonny grinned. His laugh lines had multiplied over the years, as had his grey hairs, which always made Rafael’s chest feel tighter for some reason, but somehow he still managed to look younger when he smiled, even though the corners of his eyes looked crinklier than ever.

Instead of answering, Sonny wrapped his long fingers around Rafael, who was by now almost uncomfortably hard.

“My knees are already wobbling, Sonny. I’m not sure an orgasm will help.”

Rafael was only feigning protest, of course. An orgasm would definitely help.

It was a good thing Sonny seemed to understand.

“Oh, it’ll help, don’t worry.”

Sonny put an arm around Rafael’s waist, holding Rafael up without making it too obvious, and he started stroking steadily.

“I’m serious, Sonny. You might have to bring the pizza in here. I probably won’t be able to get out of this shower.”

Sonny laughed, and it was such a happy sound, and to Rafael’s ears Sonny’s laughter almost sounded better than Sonny’s moans.

Married already.

They should be married already.

Soon.

Soon, they’d-

“Come on, Rafi, you said it, there’s pizza on the way. We need to get dressed. I’m pruning here.”

Sonny had a point.

Rafael pulled him in for a kiss.

Now that they were face to face, Rafael could finally notice all the little drops sprinkled on Sonny’s face, on Sonny’s nose, on Sonny’s eyelashes.

Rafael tried to keep his eyes open as they kissed, tried to follow the tracks of the water, until Sonny gave a particularly hard tug and Rafael had to close his eyes and suck on Sonny’s tongue to keep from yelling.

Sonny started stroking harder, just like Rafael liked it, Sonny kissed Rafael deeper, the kiss as dirty as they were clean, Sonny pulled Rafael closer, so close that even the water couldn’t pass between them, Sonny held Rafael, held him up, held him there, so tight, like always, Sonny always held him so tight, and Rafael loved it, Rafael loved feeling Sonny’s hands all over him, possessive and strong, Rafael loved feeling Sonny’s fingers around him, on him, in him, Rafael loved Sonny, so much, and Sonny muttered something, Rafael didn’t even understand, Sonny muttered something and Rafael came all over Sonny’s hand, Rafael came hard as Sonny’s lips covered his own.

For the next several minutes, all Rafael could feel was the water, and Sonny’s hands on his chest, and Sonny’s tongue gently licking at the corners of his mouth.

And then the doorbell rang. A distant sound Rafael still wasn’t used to, not in their new house.

Rafael felt the water stop and he opened his eyes to see Sonny smiling.

“I’ll get it, Rafi.”

Sonny gave Rafael one last kiss and quickly jumped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around himself, r-

Wait.

“No. No. No way, Sonny. You’re not answering the door half-naked. I’m the Manhattan District Attorney. We are a respectable couple. This is not the first impression I want us to make in this neighborhood.”

Sonny laughed, probably because Rafael was complaining but he wasn’t even attempting to get out of the shower.

“It’s just the pizza guy, Rafi.”

“It doesn’t matter. We have to appear dignified. Put some pants on.”

“I don’t even know where you left my pants. Or where you put my sweatpants. Do you want me to drip all over everything in your fancy walk-in closet?”

Rafael scoffed as he finally, and with some difficulty, got out of the shower.

“Fine. At least give him a good tip.”

Sonny’s eyes flashed brighter for a split second. It was clear he had almost made a joke about ‘tips’, but had decided against it.

Rafael smiled to himself as Sonny went downstairs.

Dick jokes.

The ultimate test.

Sonny had bounced back already.

This time.

Things would be okay.  

Rafael quickly got dressed, and he managed to scrounge up some underwear, some sweatpants and a t-shirt for Sonny before making his way downstairs.

Both Sonny and the pizza were in the living room, the pizza on the coffee table and Sonny on the couch. Sonny was trying to contort his body into a comfortable position, but he was struggling, still unaccustomed to their new furniture.

So much inside their home was new. The couch, the bed, the bookcase, the closet, the shower, the doorbell, hell, the house itself was new. This was the first real moment they had spent there, just relaxing instead of working, and it was only natural that they weren’t used to the place just yet.

Rafael was looking forward to getting used to it.

With Sonny.

Rafael was looking forward to the day this house would no longer feel new.

Years later, decades later.

Rafael was looking forward to this house getting old.

To himself and Sonny getting old with it.

Together.

Rafael exhaled, and then he threw the clothes he was holding right at Sonny’s head, to make up for his sappy thoughts.

“What’s wrong, Sonny? Can’t get comfortable? Missing your ass dent?”

Sonny snorted as he got up and finally put on some pants.

“A little. The couch is still too stiff.”

Rafael sat down and Sonny curled into him immediately, like all that was missing from the couch was Rafael, and now that he had arrived Sonny was finally able to get comfortable, and Rafael winced at his own sappiness yet again.

He blamed the shower sex.

“It’s okay. We’ll make new ass dents together.”

Sonny kissed Rafael’s neck.

“I love you too, Rafi.”

Rafael shook his head. Only Sonny would interpret ‘we’ll make new ass dents together’ as a declaration of love.

It absolutely _was_ a declaration of love, of course, but still.

“Come on, Sonny. Dig in.”

“Yeah, speaking of, you got two pizzas?”

Rafael rolled his eyes.

“Yes. I got two pizzas. Because I worked hard today and this is my reward. And also because there’s nothing else to eat in this house, so you’ll be having pizza for breakfast tomorrow. You’re welcome.”

Sonny shrugged and started eating.

They ate in silence for a while, sitting so close it should be awkward, their thighs touching and their elbows knocking against each other every few seconds, but neither of them moved away.

Rafael still wanted to ask, but he was hoping Sonny would bring it up first. It was hardly a dinner-appropriate conversation, but they needed to have it. Sonny needed to have it. After cases like this one, Sonny always had to talk things out, to try and make sense of the cruelty, unlike Rafael who preferred a glass of scotch and a complete avoidance of the subject.

Except this time it was Sonny who was trying to avoid the subject, and Rafael found that a little disconcerting. Despite their shower fun and their quiet dinner, Rafael could tell that Sonny was still tense, and he knew that talking would help Sonny release some of that tension.

Rafael decided to give Sonny a few more minutes to start talking, before he broached the subject himself. It was getting late and th-

“So, going by the fact we had shower sex for the first time in forever, plus the fact you unpacked all of our stuff by yourself, without complaining even once, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess that you know what happened.”

Rafael smiled, even though Sonny was no longer smiling.

Even though Sonny had pulled away. Only a little, but enough for Rafael to notice.

To worry.

“Yes, I know about it. Liv called me. Told me to keep an eye on you.”

Sonny narrowed his eyes.

“You keeping tabs on me, Rafi?”

Of course he was. What a ridiculous question.

Rafael idly wondered how Sonny would feel if he found out that Tucker was keeping tabs on him as well.

“You’re just now realizing this, Sonny? After five and a half years? I thought you were a detective.”

Sonny sighed.

Rafael was disappointed. He thought that line was worth at least a small chuckl-

“Yeah. Sometimes I wish I weren’t.”

Oh.

Sonny didn’t often voice such thoughts.

Defeat.

Regret.

Sonny would often express his frustrations with the job, in a decidedly colorful manner, but even Sonny’s complaints usually came with a decent helping of positivity.

This case, it must have hit him hard.

Rafael resisted the urge to pull Sonny closer. He could tell Sonny needed the space, needed those few inches separating them.

At least Sonny’s knee was still pressed against his thigh.

It was hard finding something to say.

Rafael didn’t know what Sonny needed to hear, and that almost never happened.

Logic dictated that Sonny needed a pat on the back and a few reassuring words. Something supportive. Something to reaffirm his decision to be a cop. To make him realize that he shouldn’t question his life’s work, because it was important.

But what if that wasn’t what Sonny needed to hear? What if Sonny needed someone to tell him that it was okay to quit? To stop subjecting himself to this pain?

_Was_ it worth it?

This question had crossed Rafael’s mind countless times, starting with that night, three and a half years ago, when Sonny had gotten... when _Rafael_ had first considered what his life would be like without Sonny in it.

Empty.

Back then, Rafael had almost told Sonny to consider a career change, just for Rafael’s own peace of mind. In the end, though, Rafael had kept that idea to himself, because Sonny’s injury had ended up being relatively minor, and Sonny had gotten over it with little trouble.

The physical pain, it had faded quickly. It had barely left a scar.

But Rafael wasn’t worried about the scars on Sonny’s skin.

Rafael was worried about the scars he couldn’t see.

Maybe it wasn’t worth it.

Maybe Sonny should leave the force. 

It wasn’t like he didn’t have options. Sonny had his law degree, and he had passed the bar years ago. He could start his own practice, or he could join a firm. He could do something else, something less violent, something easier on the soul.

Rafael had unique insight into that transition, seeing as he had stopped working Special Victims himself, about nine months earlier, ever since he had been elected District Attorney.

Rafael had always had a steelier disposition, he had always been able to view the cases and the victims in a more detached way, but even he had felt a difference in his temperament after leaving SVU behind, and he did _not_ miss it. Maybe Rafael could explain that to Sonny.

“Maybe you don’t _have_ to be a det-”

“You should have seen the boy, though, Rafi. When we found him. When we rescued him. He looked so relieved. It was just a little boy. And he... He wouldn’t let go of my hand, when we got in the ambulance. He was still shaken up, and he didn’t trust the paramedics because he thought their equipment was scary, he thought they were gonna hurt him too, but he trusted me. The entire way to the hospital, he was holding my hand and he knew he was safe.”

Rafael smiled.

Sonny was smiling again, too. With pride, this time.

Sonny didn’t need options.

This was it.

Sonny was a cop.

Sonny’s pain, it wasn’t the point.

The point was the pain of the victims.

The survivors.

They didn’t have the luxury of quitting, of being free with a snap of the fingers. They couldn’t just leave their pain behind.

They had to learn to live with it, and for that they needed help. They needed closure.

Justice.

The survivors, they needed someone like Sonny. They needed cops like Sonny, good cops, dedicated cops who could make them feel safe. Good cops, to balance out all the bad cops out there.

They needed someone to trust.

And Rafael needed to trust that Sonny could handle being that person for them.

Rafael looked at Sonny’s proud smile, and he instantly knew that was true.

Sonny felt the pain of others very deeply, but that was why he was so good at easing it.

Rafael worried, sometimes too much, but deep down he knew that Sonny was meant to do this. That Sonny could handle it.

Rafael trusted Sonny.

Completely.

It was very new to him, this feeling of absolute certainty. This complete absence of doubt. Rafael always had doubts, always second-guessed every decision, always worried he had made the wrong one, Rafael always worried he was being played, he always suspected others of having ulterior motives.

But that was before.

Rafael trusted Sonn-

“What’s on your mind, Rafi?”

Sonny was staring at Rafael, still smiling, but this smile wasn’t proud. This smile was fond, and amused, and teasing.

Rafael clearly had some kind of tell. He just wished he knew what it was. There was something Sonny could see in his face, something that alerted Sonny to the fact Rafael was being a sap.

Sonny always knew.

Rafael thought maybe his tell was happiness. A sentiment not often seen in his face.

But that was befor-

“Earth to Barba?”

Rafael scoffed and put an arm around Sonny’s neck, pulling him in for a kiss.

Sonny moved closer eagerly, kissing Rafael and then cuddling up to him, head resting on Rafael’s shoulder. Sonny didn’t need space anymore, apparently. Sonny just needed a hug.

As a rule, Sonny was the one giving out the hugs to an overstressed and overworked Rafael, but every once in a while their roles would be reversed. It usually happened when SVU worked cases involving children, just like this one. When Sonny came home exhausted, worn down, having lost a little faith in humanity.

Rafael was surprised Sonny had any faith left.

Rafael was _happy_ Sonny had some faith left.

On those nights, on nights like this one, Sonny wouldn’t wrap his long arms around Rafael, he wouldn’t squeeze until Rafael shooed him away, he wouldn’t kiss Rafael’s cheek and laugh as Rafael squirmed.

On nights like this one, Sonny would just inch closer, quietly, waiting for Rafael to open _his_ arms.

As if a hug from Rafael could ease Sonny’s pain. As if it were that easy.

Rafael knew it wasn’t, he knew it would take a lot more than a hug, but he still held his arms open.

After a few minutes of silent cuddling on their new couch, Sonny caressing Rafael’s love handles and Rafael nuzzling his damp hair, Rafael decided to play his last card.

Literally.

“You know what I found when I was unpacking?”

Sonny made no effort to move.

“What?”

This wasn’t the level of excitement Rafael had been hoping for, so he tried to build up some suspense.

“It’s a surprise. Let’s go upstairs. It’s in the bedroom.”

Sonny actually stirred this time, pulling away to look at Rafael with a smirk. Now they were getting somewher-

“A surprise in the bedroom? How many guesses do I get? Wait, is it in your pants?”

Rafael let out a long-suffering sigh.

Sonny chuckled and kissed Rafael on the cheek before getting up.

“I’ll put these in the fridge. You go up and make yourself comfortable. Get my surprise nice and ready.”

Rafael held his tongue.

Barely.

Rafael held his tongue and went upstairs to dig out Sonny’s card again.

Sonny’s ‘I love you’ card.

Rafael thought seeing it might improve Sonny’s mood. Sonny was corny. He loved sentimental crap like that.

Sonny did.

Not Rafael.

Obviously.

Sonny came up a minute or two later, rubbing his hands together.

“Alright, Rafi. I’m ready. What is it?”

Rafael held out the card, still in the envelope.

Sonny immediately recognized it, his eyes widening.

“You kept it?”

Rafael raised an eyebrow.

“No, Sonny, you wrote me a note saying ‘I love you’ for the first time, and I threw it away.”

Sonny grinned.

“I’m just saying, Rafi, that _does_ sound like something you would do.”

Sonny had a point, actually.

Rafael was never one for silly mementos. He never ascribed much meaning to objects.

Not until he first saw that ‘I love you’ written in Sonny’s handwriting, and his heart skipped a beat and his stomach did a flip, and he felt happiness.

Rafael didn’t even know why he had reacted so strongly to that scribble. He didn’t know why the card had made him even more emotional than the gift itself. All Rafael knew was that this stupid card would be the first thing he’d save if the building was on fire.

“Well, as you can see, I didn’t throw it away. I k-”

Sonny didn’t let him finish. Sonny kissed Rafael, either out of love or because he wanted to intercept whatever snarky comment Rafael was about to unleash.

“I just never saw it again afterwards. That’s why I’m surprised.”

Sonny had a point there, too.

“Well, I wasn’t going to tell you that I kept it.”

Sonny cracked up, either at Rafael’s response or at the fact Rafael had mumbled it under his breath.

“Yeah, ‘cause that’d be crazy. Where’d you find it?”

Rafael regretted mumbling his previous answer. He should have saved the mumbling for this one.

“Where I left it.”

Sonny’s grin got even wider. Rafael wished he could turn back time and lie. Pretend the card had fallen out of a book or something.

“And where would that be?”

Rafael’s voice had gotten so low he was practically whispering.

“In the case you made for me. Under the cufflinks. Under the base.”

Sonny’s grin was starting to get annoying.

“Oh, so you didn’t ‘find’ it. You knew exactly where it was.”

Rafael tried not to snarl.

“No, Sonny, you wrote me a note saying ‘I love you’ for the first time, and then I misplaced it.”

Okay, so Rafael snarled after all.

Sonny didn’t even notice.

Sonny just took the envelope and pulled out the card, touching it almost as reverently as Rafael had, a few hours earlier. He had the happiest look on his face.

Happy memories.

“I was so nervous. I almost didn’t give this to you. I can’t believe you held on to it this whole time. I didn’t know you were such a romantic, Rafi.”

Rafael wasn’t.

Wasn’t romantic at all. Never had been. Never wanted to be.

But that was before.

“I’m _not.”_

Rafael grabbed the card out of Sonny’s hands, but carefully, so he wouldn’t accidentally rip it, and then he placed it in its envelope and back inside the case.

Sonny watched with a smirk on his face.

Probably because Rafael had handled the card with the kind of gentleness he usually reserved for his finer silk garments.

Whatever.

“Anyway, Sonny, you got your surprise. Are you ready for bed? Come on. I can barely stand.”

Sonny stepped closer and started caressing Rafael’s back, right where it was sore.

Sonny always knew.

“Are you sure you wanna sleep here, Rafi? We don’t have anything in this house. We don’t even have coffee. Wait, no, I think I saw some instant coffee in one of the cupboards.”

Rafael did not find that joke particularly funny.

And it was definitely a joke, because Rafael hadn’t allowed instant coffee in his house in over twenty-five years.

And also because Rafael knew for a fact that all their cupboards were empty.

“I find that hard to believe, Sonny. Considering the only thing that’s stocked up in this house is your nightstand drawer.”

Sonny kept smirking as he massaged Rafael’s back.

“Be prepared, Rafi. You know I was a boy scout.”

Rafael tried to ignore the mental image of Sonny in his scout’s uniform, which was especially hard because Rafael had just found it in one of the boxes he had unpacked earlier, along with all of Sonny’s merit badges. Rafael spotted one for Reading, one for Woodwork, one for Safety and then he stopped when he realized just how recent these badges were and just how young Sonny was.

“Right. Prepared. Which is why you didn’t think to bring coffee but you thought to bring lube.”

Sonny’s touching suddenly became less about soothing Rafael’s sore muscles and more about Sonny copping a feel.

“I guess we got different priorities, counselor.”

Rafael rolled his eyes and moved away, slowly attempting to toss all the throw pillows off the bed to make room for himself and Sonny.

“That’s not my problem, Sonny. You’ll just have to make a coffee run tomorrow morning. Preferably before I wake up.”

Sonny stepped closer again, coming up behind Rafael.

“Will I?”

Rafael smiled as he felt Sonny’s hands coming around his waist in a tight hug.

“You will if you know what’s good for you.”

Sonny started kissing the back of Rafael’s neck, muttering, “Anything you want, Rafi,” between kisses, and Rafael thought he already had everything he wanted.

He didn’t say that, of course.

“What I want is to sleep. Come on.”

Sonny gave Rafael’s belly one last squeeze and then he took off his sweatpants, getting ready for bed.

Rafael took off his own pants and moved to turn off the lights, when he saw Sonny grimacing.

Barely, but Rafael had caught it.

Sonny didn’t want to sleep in the dark.

Sonny was still affected.

Rafael left the lights on.

Rafael just got under the covers, waiting for Sonny to join him. Which Sonny did, but not like a normal person might. Sonny didn’t walk around the bed to get to his own side, choosing instead to literally crawl over Rafael’s body. Rafael barely escaped an elbow to the nose, but he also got some pleasant friction out of the process, so he stayed quiet.

They were both quiet, actually.

Rafael belatedly realized they hadn’t really talked things out.

Sonny had only talked about saving the boy. About the only positive aspect of this case. He hadn’t spoken about the crime, he hadn’t shared anything specific about his own state of mind, and Rafael had even helped him gloss over it. Rafael had been way too quick to bring up that card, to change the subject, because he couldn’t stand seeing Sonny in misery. Maybe that had been a mistake. Maybe Rafael should have let Sonny vent a little more.

Rafael wondered if it was too late to talk now. He wondered if Sonny was still uncomfortable, still in pain, he wondered if Sonny was just humoring him, if Sonny was ok-

“I’m okay, Rafi.”

Oh.

Sonny was staring at him again, from a few inches away, because apparently Sonny didn’t want to take advantage of the huge bed and spread out.

Sonny wanted to be near Rafael.

Sonny always knew.

He knew when Rafael was being a sap, he knew when Rafael was worried, he knew when Rafael was nervous, or sad, or angry, or upset, or hungry, or sleepy, or horny, or bored, Sonny always knew.

Rafael had a lot of tells.

It was a good thing Sonny was the only one who could see them.

“Are you? Okay?”

Sonny smiled.

“Yeah. I’m trying to focus on the positives. We saved the boy, we got the perp, none of us got hurt, I got home to find you all hot and sweaty. Let me tell ya, Rafi, I’ve had worse days.”

Rafael appreciated the compliment, but he didn’t appreciate the fact Sonny was avoiding the question. He w-

“Seriously, Rafi. I’m good. It could have been a lot worse. You know that. I gotta count today as a win.”

Rafael nodded. Bleak as that sounded, it was true. Some victories were smaller than others, but as long as a criminal was taken off the streets, as long as there was a survivor, they had to count it as a win. It was the only way to keep going.

“Okay, Sonny. Goodnight.”

Sonny whispered a soft, “Goodnight,” and then he shifted closer, his head practically on Rafael’s pillow, his arm over Rafael’s belly, his leg over Rafael’s hip, and Rafael wondered why they had even bothered to get a new king-size bed, if Sonny was so determined to sleep on _him._

Rafael didn’t say that either.

Rafael just put an arm around Sonny’s waist and let himself be lulled to sleep by Sonny’s warm, rhythmical breaths against his neck.

Until Sonny interrupted his slumber, just a few moments later.

“Can’t sleep, Rafi.”

“We’ve been in bed for twenty seconds. Give it some time.”

Sonny hummed in a way which suggested he doubted that, and then he placed a small kiss under Rafael’s jaw.

“I don’t think that’s gonna help.”

Rafael pressed his lips against Sonny’s forehead.

He should have known that Sonny was putting on a brave face with that ‘count it as a win’ speech.

Rafael felt guilty for not having done more. For not sufficiently distracting Sonny. For failing to help.

Speaking of helping, Rafael was about to suggest some milk or some herbal tea for Sonny’s insomnia, when he remembered where they were.

“Do you want me to run out and get you some milk? I’ll only be a few minutes. I’ll just-”

Sonny did _not_ want that, as demonstrated by the fact he pressed a knee between Rafael’s thighs and dug his fingers into Rafael’s hip.

“No, stay here.”

Rafael sighed.

This was worse than he thought.

Sonny didn’t want the lights off, Sonny couldn’t sleep, Sonny didn’t want to be alone.

Sonny was not okay.

“I have to get you something to help you sleep, Sonny. You said so yourself, we don’t have anything in this house. I’ll come right back, you won’t ev-”

“We got one thing.”

Rafael narrowed his eyes as he felt Sonny’s fingers slipping under his t-shirt, as he felt Sonny’s lips rubbing against his face.

They _did_ have one thing.

“You really think another slice of pizza is going to help you sleep?”

Sonny cracked up as he pushed himself up and straddled Rafael.

“You’re hilarious, Rafi.”

Rafael smiled as Sonny started kissing his neck.

Relief.

Rafael felt relief, because Sonny’s reasons for wanting him to stay in bed weren’t a sign of trouble. Sonny wasn’t too traumatized to be alone.

Sonny just wanted to get laid.

Sonny _really_ wanted to get laid, his hips already grinding against Rafael’s, his hands already pushing Rafael’s t-shirt up, his fingers warm against Rafael’s sides.

“I’m an old man, Sonny. What makes you think I can go again?”

Sonny’s only response was a snort, his breath tickling Rafael’s neck.

Sonny started thrusting more deliberately, slow and dirty, hips rolling, and Rafael’s hands instantly went to Sonny’s ass, holding him right there, the friction so good, and Sonny kept going, his hand moving lower, sliding between their bodies, slipping inside Rafael’s underwear, squeezing th-

_“This.”_

Rafael scoffed.

Sonny had the unique ability to remain a smartass at all times, even when he had his hand down Rafael’s briefs.

Then again, Sonny had a point. Rafael _was_ getting hard again. They were both getting hard again, harder with each roll of Sonny’s hips, and there was no question that an orgasm would help Sonny sleep.

Plus, if Rafael was honest, he liked the idea of getting a second chance to affirm his virility. They’d had their fun in the shower, Sonny especially, but it hadn’t been Rafael’s finest moment, what with the sore back and the creaky knees and the overall wobbly legs.

Not that Sonny had seemed to mind, but still. Sonny had been way too careful, and way too considerate, and Rafael didn’t appreciate being made to feel fragile.

Fine, Rafael didn’t feel fragile.

He felt old.

He _was_ old.

He was old and getting older.

Sonny didn’t seem to mind that either, which warmed Rafael’s heart, but a do-over sounded perfect.

“Fine. But only bec-”

Sonny didn’t even let Rafael finish that sentence. He took off his t-shirt, tossing it on the floor, and then he yanked off Rafael’s t-shirt before Rafael even knew what was happening.

Rafael felt young.

Just like that.

Sonny’s eagerness always made Rafael feel like he was in college again, fumbling with the clothes of near strangers, all too impatient to see skin, all too curious to find out what they were hiding underneath the fabric. 

Sonny knew exactly what Rafael was hiding, he knew about the belly and the greying chest hair and the love handles, but he was still eager, always eager to see what he’d already seen a million times.

Sonny’s touch, it didn’t feel like that. It didn’t feel old. It was familiar, and intimate, hitting all the right spots, but it didn’t feel like the touch of someone who had spent the better part of the last six years sleeping with Rafael.

Rafael used to wonder when that would stop. He used to wonder when the honeymoon period would end and Sonny would start getting bored. On bad days, early on, Rafael would even wonder when Sonny might decide to ditch a bitter forty-something and find someone younger and more fun.

Never, apparently.

Sonny’s touch still felt new. Sonny still wanted Rafael, more than five and a half years in, long after the honeymoon period had ended.

And it really _had_ ended. Those early days of getting to know each other, of trying to appear as the best possible version of themselves, of trying to conceal their quirks every time they spent the night at each other’s place, those days of trying to keep their insecurities to themselves instead of talking, those days were long past.

Sonny and Rafael, they knew each other backward and forward. They were less like excited lovebirds by now and more like an old married couple.

Not that Rafael had ever been an excited lovebird, but still. Sonny was always excited enough for the both of them.

Even now, Sonny kept touching Rafael like they had just met five minutes ago. Like they were about to have sex for the first time.

Like they were young.

They weren’t, though. They were an old married couple in every sense but the literal. Somehow they had managed to avoid getting married, even though Rafael was pretty sure they were only trying to avoid proposing.

Maybe they could get married without a proposal.

Maybe Rafael could just say, ‘Sonny, let’s get married.’ Not a proposal, not a question. No chance of rejection, because Sonny was an overenthusiastic goof and he’d probably say, ‘Sure thing, Rafi!’

That idea didn’t sound half-bad, actually.

Maybe Rafael should do it.

Say it.

Maybe Rafael sh-

“Love you, Rafi.”

Oh.

Right.

Sonny.

Sonny loved him.

Sonny had stopped kissing Rafael’s neck, he had stopped grinding down and, most regrettable of all, he had stopped trying to take off Rafael’s underwear. Sonny was just lying on top of Rafael, chest to chest, his fingers tangled in Rafael’s hair, and he had the fondest look on his face, probably because Rafael had zoned out for God knows how long.

It was hard to comprehend how that same person who was always tripping over himself to get in Rafael’s pants, literally, all flaying arms and wonky knees, how that same person could be so tender and sweet.

“I love you too, Sonny. Very much.”

Sonny grinned like he remembered.

It was hard not to. Seeing that card again, it had brought back a lot of memories.

“Tell me something I don’t know, Rafi.”

Happy memories.

Sonny’s grin, it was open and free and unburdened now.

Rafael knew that Sonny wasn’t thinking about the case anymore, or the job.

Sonny was thinking about that night, when they had said ‘I love you’ for the first time.

Sonny was thinking ab-

Oh.

Sonny was back to trying to take off Rafael’s underwear, apparently.

One of them was keeping their eyes on the prize, at least.

Sonny pulled Rafael’s briefs down, slowly, hands lingering on Rafael’s hips, and then he gave Rafael another kiss before hurriedly slipping out of his own underwear. Rafael only got a knee to the groin once, which meant the evening was a success already.

Rafael tried to get Sonny to lie on top of him again, because he was lazy and that was his favorite position, but Sonny got on all fours and started crawling to the nightstand drawer.

Eyes on the prize.

That was Sonny, alright.

Rafael couldn’t help reaching for a squeeze, Sonny’s ass immediately perking up.

Somewhere between Sonny sticking out his butt and Rafael’s thumb rubbing slowly at the warm skin, Rafael remembered that he was supposed to be affirming his virility, not just staying flat on his back and copping a feel while Sonny did everything else.

Rafael pushed himself up and moved right behind Sonny, moved closer, his hands going to the back of Sonny’s thighs, low, fingers teasing the inside of Sonny’s knees. Rafael moved his hands higher, slowly, higher and higher up Sonny’s thighs, until he got to Sonny’s ass again, kneading with both hands, fingers dark against Sonny’s skin.

Sonny inched backwards, until Rafael started sliding against him, hips rotating, hands moving to caress Sonny’s chest, Sonny’s belly, Rafael’s chest flat against Sonny’s back.

It did occur to Rafael that he was basically hugging Sonny from behind, arms wrapped tightly around Sonny’s slender waist, and that this wasn’t exactly the take-charge maneuver he had been planning on, but oh well.

Rafael started kissing Sonny’s neck softly, because it was well-established by now that he was a sap and there was no point in fighting it anymore.

Sonny got to the drawer with some difficulty, no doubt hindered by Rafael’s weight on him, so Rafael pulled away, waiting for Sonny to turn over.

Sonny did not turn over.

Sonny stayed on all fours and just bent one of his ridiculously long arms to reach between his legs, gently inserting one finger inside, knuckle by knuckle.

Oh.

Alright.

Rafael decided to put off that whole ‘take-charge’ thing and just sit back for a while.

Whatever Sonny wanted.

Rafael watched as Sonny curled his finger, a low moan sounding so loud inside the room, and Rafael didn’t even know which one of them had made the sound.

Both, probably.

Rafael watched as Sonny kept pushing his finger in and out, as Sonny added a second finger, slender fingers sliding slowly.

“Spread your legs for me.”

Sonny did, Sonny spread his knees to give Rafael a better view, Sonny kept his ass up but quit trying to hold himself up on one arm, Sonny bent forward, face down on his pillow, head turned to the side, eyes closed, cheeks flushed, as he kept pushing two fingers in and out.

Rafael knelt behind Sonny and palmed his ass again, hands clenching impulsively when Sonny tried adding a third finger, moaning even louder when he couldn’t. Rafael waited until Sonny had stretched himself enough, two fingers scissoring, Rafael waited before adding one of his own fingers, in with Sonny’s two, both of them pushing in, Rafael pushing slowly and Sonny more eager, always so eager, fingers moving faster, gasping at the stretch.

Using his other hand, Rafael tried to spread Sonny’s ass.

To look.

Rafael liked looking.

It was hard, though, with Sonny clenching around their fingers.

“Show me, Sonny.”

Sonny exhaled and removed his fingers, Rafael adding a second one but not three, not yet.

Sonny reached with both hands and spread himself as Rafael watched, twisting his fingers, reaching deep, until Sonny moaned again.

Rafael watched Sonny’s hands digging into pale skin, Sonny spreading wide open for him, so good, face down and moaning quietly, Rafael watched Sonny taking his fingers, so easy, so soft, Rafael watched until he got an idea.

First, he moved Sonny’s hands out of the way. Sonny didn’t miss a beat, grabbing onto the headboard, still pushing back, always trying to take Rafael’s fingers deeper.

Then, Rafael used his free hand to take hold of Sonny’s ass again, softly caressing.

Finally, Rafael added a third finger and felt Sonny’s flinch before he opened up.

Sonny felt so loose, so open, Rafael felt Sonny’s ass, so smooth inside and out, and then Rafael raised his hand and brought it down hard, the slapping sound echoing, Sonny gasping and clenching around his fingers.

Silence followed.

Rafael didn’t move. He waited.

“Uh, Rafi?”

Rafael curled his fingers inside Sonny, just right, and he delivered another blow, a sharp blow, feeling the sting burning his palm.

He could only imagine the sting Sonny was feeling.

“Yes, Sonny?”

Sonny finally opened his eyes and looked at Rafael. He was breathing heavily, his face still down, his hands still holding the headboard.

Rafael waited for a response. For the go-ahead, or for a sign to st-

“Nothing.”

Rafael chuckled as Sonny raised his ass higher, offering himself up. Rafael touched the skin, already pinking up, and Sonny flinched at the first contact with Rafael’s hand.

Rafael had missed this. Sonny trembling, caught between excitement and restlessness, not knowing if Rafael would caress him tenderly or spank him hard.

Not knowing which one he preferred.

It had been a long while since they’d done this properly. Since they’d done more than three or four blows in the heat of the moment. The timing was perfect. They had the night to themselves, they were breaking in their new bed so the night was pretty special, and Sonny loved it.

More importantly, though, Sonny could definitely use the distraction.

Sonny clearly want-

“Come on, Rafi. More.”

Sonny _clearly_ wanted more.

Rafael pulled his fingers out and slapped Sonny’s ass one more time, on the other cheek this time, because he knew it was important to distribute the hits evenly, or only half of Sonny’s ass would be sore the next day and that would be no fun. The point was for Sonny to have trouble sitting down altogether.

“You’ll tell me when to stop, right, Sonny?”

Sonny’s only response was a loud yell, and then another, when Rafael gave him two loud slaps, one, two, in quick succession, Sonny’s hips jumping.

“Right, Sonny?”

Sonny flinched again as Rafael struck his ass and then pinched at the red skin.

“Ah, yeah, ah, yes. Yes, I will.”

That was a lie.

Sonny never knew when to say ‘stop’. Sonny didn’t know his limits, or else he liked pushing through them. Sonny always asked for it harder, and if he didn’t mind getting faint bruises, Rafael did.

Speaking of bruises, Rafael smiled as he remembered the first time he had spanked Sonny. Before he knew exactly what to do, how to do it right, because reading about it on a few websites on his lunch break had only given him so much insight.

Sonny had assured Rafael he had ‘some experience’, he had promised to guide Rafael, to explain exactly how hard he wanted it, and exactly where, but it had quickly become apparent that Sonny had been winging it.

Rafael had said, “I thought you’ve done this before, Sonny,” and he had tried to sound stern, but the truth was that he felt a thrill, being the first person to really give this to Sonny.

Sonny, for his part, had shamelessly and breathlessly replied, “Yeah, but not like this, Rafi. I mean, I’ve only gotten a spank or two, when I’ve been naughty, but it’s the same principle, right?”

Rafael had responded with another smack, a hard one, to erase the memory of those other hands on Sonny’s body, and also to chastise Sonny for using words like ‘naughty’ in a sexual context without warning.

Sonny had yelped, and he had laughed, and he had admitted that he had only been spanked once by an old girlfriend, as a joke, both of them drunk, and that he’d liked the sting, but he’d never felt comfortable asking for it again.

He’d been too embarrassed.

He’d never trusted anyone enough.

Not until Rafael.

That had been the first and last time Rafael had left hand-shaped bruises on Sonny’s ass. He knew better, now. He knew how. He knew Sonny’s body, Sonny’s threshold for p-

“I will, I really will. I’ll tell you, I promise. Come on, Rafi. Again.”

Rafael had gotten distracted again, by all the memories.

He wasn’t normally this sentimental, but this move had made him nostalgic.

It was a good thing Sonny was there to get him back on track.

Rafael brought his hand down again, low, where Sonny’s ass met his thigh, and Sonny’s whole body seized up.

It was so tempting to slide into Sonny and feel those jumps from the inside, to feel Sonny clenching up around him, instead of just watching that beautiful flutter, but Rafael resisted the urge. This wasn’t about him.

This was about Sonny.

Rafael wanted to devote his attention entirely to Sonny, to bask in every single flinch, to feel Sonny’s skin getting hot.

To hear Sonny asking for more.

That said, Rafael _was_ human, so he moved a little to the side, partly to get a better angle for his hits and partly so he could start rubbing himself against Sonny’s hip.

Rafael lowered his hand, again, fast enough to make Sonny brace for impact, but this time he stopped short of a strike, fondling Sonny’s ass instead. Sonny pushed back against Rafael’s palm, eager to feel the soothing motion, and Rafael kept caressing gently, slowly, until Sonny’s body relaxed completely, no longer reacting to his touch.

That was when Rafael delivered four blows, one after the other, alternating between Sonny’s cheeks, Sonny pressing his face against the pillow to muffle his yells.

Rafael put his non-spanking hand to the back of Sonny’s neck, where Sonny’s hair was still damp, and he smiled as Sonny hummed sweetly.

“You want more, Sonny? You have to tell me.”

Sonny didn’t move for a few seconds, and then he lifted his head, blushing and gasping for breath.

Sonny’s hands had never left the headboard, not once.

His knuckles were white.

“Yeah. More.”

Rafael obliged.

He started spanking Sonny in earnest, the blows incessant but light enough that Sonny wouldn’t feel too much pain.

Just a sting.

Rafael’s hand was coming down non-stop, the only interruption being a few intermittent soft caresses, the better to keep Sonny guessing, to keep Sonny flinching.

After a few minutes, Sonny’s knees started giving way. After a particularly loud smack, at the crease between Sonny’s ass and his thigh, where Sonny liked it most, he slid all the way down, landing on his belly.

Rafael couldn’t resist kneading Sonny’s ass again with both hands, spreading it, slipping two fingers inside and twisting them, Sonny hissing the entire time, body jumping and rubbing against the mattress.

After a couple of delicate blows, with Rafael trying to figure out this new angle, it became apparent that this position wasn’t going to work, even if Sonny’s moans told a different story. Sonny lying flat on the bed meant that he couldn’t move out of the way, he couldn’t avoid the brunt of the strikes, and Rafael didn’t think that was a good idea.

Rafael quickly pulled Sonny up by the hips and gave him another solid slap, to indicate that Sonny should stay still.

That was easier said than done.

Sonny was trying, he was really trying, knees sliding a little before he’d get upright again, and Rafael was trying too, constantly lifting Sonny’s hips, but every hit made Sonny fall lower, and consecutive hits made Sonny drop to the bed, every time.

Rafael tried to rub himself against Sonny’s ass, to give Sonny incentive for staying up, and it worked for about a minute, but Sonny’s knees gave way again.

This wasn’t working.

Rafael put an arm under Sonny’s belly, practically holding him up, and then he smacked Sonny’s ass, two blows on each cheek, one after the other.

Sonny still managed to slide down, his waist slithering out of Rafael’s grasp.

This wasn’t working either.

Rafael wanted to show Sonny a good time, and he needed to find a better way to do that, so he gave Sonny another loud slap and tried a third method.

Whispering in Sonny’s ear.

“Ass up, Sonny.”

Sonny moaned, even though Rafael wasn’t touching him.

Sonny’s ass shot up and stayed up, Sonny brought his knees closer together and stayed still, save for some jumps, Sonny kept his ass up as Rafael’s hand kept coming down, slapping and rubbing and kneading and slapping again.

All it took was a request.

Rafael didn’t think of them as commands, or orders, because that didn’t reflect his relationship with Sonny. Sonny wasn’t following orders. Sonny liked pleasing him, maybe a little too much, so whenever Rafael asked for something Sonny always made sure to provide it.

Always.

And Rafael did the same.

Rafael was doing it right now. Appealing as it was to watch Sonny’s pert ass flexing and getting all pink, Rafael could live without these spanking sessions. He only enjoyed them because he loved watching Sonny’s reactions, because he loved watching Sonny getting flushed and panting and lost.

Sonny was almost there.

Rafael kept smacking Sonny’s ass, again and again, the skin turning red under his palm, until Sonny was a squirming mess.

“Is that enough, Sonny?”

Sonny groaned.

“No. Not yet. Don’t stop.”

Rafael shook his head and gave Sonny one more slap.

If Sonny’s ass felt half as sore as Rafael’s hand, they should definitely stop.

Not to mention, Rafael was _not_ about to hump Sonny’s hip to completion. Maybe spanking was the main event for Sonny, but for Rafael it was foreplay at best. Rafael needed more.

To illustrate his desire, Rafael moved right behind Sonny again and started rubbing himself against Sonny’s ass cheek, hard against the soft, hot skin, tracing a wet trail until he almost pushed into Sonny’s ass, pressing just enough to tease.

“Are you sure about that, Sonny?”

Sonny’s chest heaved but he stayed silent.

Rafael feared he’d have to keep going until his hand got numb. 

“Yeah. No. Yeah, you can stop.”

Rafael paused to consider Sonny’s presence of mind, but then Sonny let go of the headboard and pushed himself up, getting on all fours again, looking over his shoulder at Rafael, and it became clear that he knew what he wanted, even if he couldn’t speak in full sentences right now.

Sonny’s face was almost as red as his ass, but not quite. Sonny’s lips were pink, Sonny’s eyes were wide, and Rafael had missed looking at that face.

Not enough to flip Sonny over, of course, because the back view was just as alluring, but still.

Rafael put his hands on Sonny’s hips and started kissing his way up Sonny’s back, following Sonny’s spine, small kisses and licks until he reached Sonny’s neck, Sonny’s cheek, Sonny’s mouth.

Sonny turned his head to the side and kissed Rafael impatiently, because they hadn’t kissed in several minutes and apparently that was unacceptable. 

Still kissing Sonny, Rafael gave himself a few strokes and then he finally pushed inside, little by little, slowly, he pushed inside until he bottomed out, Sonny exhaling deeply against Rafael’s lips.

Rafael held on to Sonny’s ass for balance, and it wasn’t until Sonny hissed that he remembered Sonny was sore. Rafael didn’t know how he had managed to forget. His palm still felt raw.

Sonny just felt so good.

Being inside Sonny felt so good.

That was Rafael’s excuse.

Rafael kissed the crook of Sonny’s neck, biting lightly to distract from the soreness, and then he pushed in, deeper, once, twice, before smacking Sonny’s ass again, right where it was nice and red.

Rafael didn’t know what was better.

Sonny tightening up around him, Sonny’s ass getting rosier with each blow, or Sonny’s moans, no longer muffled by the pillow, Sonny’s moans, filling the room, so loud and desperate and obscene.

The moans.

Definitely the moans.

Rafael’s thrusts found a rhythm, as did his hand, every thrust followed by a smack followed by a debauched ‘Ah,’ Sonny sounding more and more eager, more and more gone, ‘Ah, ah, ah,’ Sonny clenching around Rafael, hips moving erratically, head thrown back, all the better for Rafael to keep sucking on Sonny’s neck.

Sonny was clearly enjoying himself way too much to ever ask Rafael to stop, so Rafael stopped himself, thinking Sonny had had enough.

Rafael wrapped his arms around Sonny’s waist, instead, his chest resting against Sonny’s back, and he took Sonny in his hand for the first time.

Sonny was so hard.

Sonny had been left untouched this entire time, by Rafael’s hand or by his own, too distracted, too far gone to even touch himself, but he was so hard, the smooth skin sliding in and out of Rafael’s throbbing palm, Sonny throbbing too, so warm in Rafael’s hand.

Rafael’s thrusts started getting faster almost involuntarily, his fist squeezed Sonny tighter, feel-

“Harder.”

Rafael didn’t know what Sonny meant, he didn’t know if Sonny even knew, but he had to ask.

“What do you need, Sonny?”

Sonny kept gasping for a while, unable to talk, hips pushing back, and Rafael was barely holding it together. Seeing Sonny so turned on, so blissed out, it was almost too much to bear.

“Harder, everything. Harder.”

That didn’t narrow things down, but Sonny turned to the side and licked Rafael’s cheek, tongue lightly brushing against Rafael’s stubble, and Rafael figured he’d just go with it.

Rafael started pushing harder, his thrusts fast and deep, his right hand stroking Sonny almost too hard for comfort, his left hand soft on Sonny’s hip.

Rafael kept thrusting, kept stroking, and then he dealt one more blow, harder, just like Sonny asked, Rafael gave Sonny one firm slap, not like the others, this one landing, getting Sonny good, making full contact with the already sensitive skin, one loud smack making Sonny whimper.

That slap, it made Sonny twitch in Rafael’s hand.

It made Rafael twitch inside Sonny’s ass, too.

Rafael needed to come, but first he needed to make Sonny come.

That was the best part.

Watching Sonny come.

Rafael sucked on Sonny’s neck one last time, feeling Sonny’s pulse thudding against his lips, and then he put his mouth to Sonny’s ear.

“Come on, Sonny. Be a good boy and come for me.”

Sonny didn’t need to be told twice.

But he _did_ need to be told once.

Sonny liked being told when to come. It wasn’t permission he needed, not exactly. Rafael had figured that out a long time ago. It was more like encouragement, or praise, and how Sonny Carisi was that?

_Very,_ Rafael thought as he felt Sonny coming, not two seconds after his whispered urging.

Sonny gasped and moaned and clenched tight around Rafael, his hips bucking, arms trembling like was having trouble holding himself up, dripping between Rafael’s fingers before he started shooting hard, all over the sheets, all over Rafael’s fist.

Rafael snaked an arm around Sonny’s belly for support, holding Sonny in place as he kept stroking, Sonny’s entire body shaking under him, spurt after spurt, Rafael feeling the vibrations deep in his chest.

With one last gasp, Sonny was done.

Literally.

He collapsed under Rafael’s weight, his arms giving out, and he landed on the bed with a thud, Rafael slipping out in the process.

Rafael watched Sonny’s back rising and falling, Sonny trying to catch his breath.

This.

This felt like home.

Sonny sated, happy, breathless.

In their bed.

It didn’t matter which bed, which house.

This felt like home.

Rafael decided to give Sonny a minute, so he straddled Sonny’s thighs, careful to avoid Sonny’s tender ass, and he started running his hands up and down Sonny’s back, starting at the shoulders and going all the way down, fingers skirting the edges of Sonny’s red skin without actually touching.

His right hand was still buzzing, still throbbing, and Rafael liked how that made Sonny’s skin feel different under his palm.

Rafael kept caressing Sonny’s back, slowly, hands lingering on Sonny’s scar on their way down. On that jagged scar with the rough edges, from that time Sonny had gotten stabbed with a broken beer bottle when he was a rookie. It had gotten even fainter with time, but it was still visible, and Rafael often found himself tracing it, as if he wanted proof that Sonny’s skin had healed.

That Sonny had healed.

That Sonny was okay.

But this wasn’t the time for that, not tonight, so Rafael kept his hands moving.

He didn’t want Sonny to be reminded of injuries past.

Of pain past.

Not that Sonny was in a condition to make that connection, still trying and failing to catch his breath, still unable to speak, still wincing every time Rafael’s hands got too close to his ass, but Rafael didn’t want to take any chances.

After a minute or three of Rafael’s impromptu back massage, Sonny finally seemed to perk up. He started wiggling his hips, trying to push back against Rafael and hissing every few seconds.

“Rafi… Come on.”

Sonny was obviously still too sore to do much of anything, but he was trying, and that was so sweet, and Rafael wondered when he had started looking at Sonny’s bare, freshly spanked ass rubbing against his erection as something sweet and heartwarming.

Like an old married couple.

Rafael lowered his body all the way down, kissing the corner of Sonny’s lips, hands gentle on Sonny’s hips, and he started grinding against Sonny’s ass, sliding down the middle but not pushing in again.

He wasn’t sure Sonny could take anything more than that. Anything more than lazy grinding. Hell, if he was honest, Rafael himself couldn’t take much more either. He had been on the verge of coming for what felt like hours.

Sonny did his damnedest to meet Rafael’s thrusts, hips rolling slightly without ever leaving the mattress, and Rafael figured he needed about two more minutes of those sweet, gentle circles and then he could come.

Except Sonny reached back and spread himself open again, making Rafael’s stomach flip, Sonny spread his legs, too, again, so wide, and Rafael was right there, he couldn’t help it, he felt Sonny so open and slippery and warm and he pressed back inside.

“Yeah, yeah. Like that. Give it to me.”

One of these days, Sonny was going to be the death of him.

Rafael knew it.

Sonny was trying to keep his ass up, trying to take Rafael deeper, the friction truly torturous, and Rafael couldn’t understand how Sonny had the stamina, let alone the desire to keep going.

Still, Rafael wasn’t about to disappoint him.

Rafael started pushing deeper, his thrusts faster and faster, his hands gripping Sonny’s hips, his forehead pressed between Sonny’s shoulder blades, his breath warm against Sonny’s back.

Rafael kept pounding Sonny, kept drawing out these sweet, sweet moans, Rafael kept pushing in, deep, his fingers grazing Sonny’s sensitive ass because he wanted to feel what he’d done to it.

Rafael was going to come.

Rafael pushed himself up, pulling out of Sonny, and Sonny actually tried to fix that, tried to hold his ass higher, to make it easier for Rafael to push back into him.

Rafael really loved Sonny.

Still, this wasn’t what he wanted.

Rafael put a hand on the small of Sonny’s back and pushed down.

Sonny lowered his hips without protest.

Rafael started stroking himself, fast, using his other hand to get a nice, big handful of Sonny’s ass, the usually pale and cool skin now dark and hot to the touch.

Rafael squeezed Sonny’s ass, tight, and Sonny groaned, loud, and Rafael gave him one last slap, light and playful but enough to make Sonny jump and let out the happiest, most surprised little moan.

It was that little moan that did it.

Rafael gave himself one more stroke, then two, Rafael dug his fingers into Sonny’s beautiful, sore skin and he came, coating Sonny’s ass, white on red.

Rafael kept stroking himself, kept coming, and Sonny kept letting out these soft moans, like he was enjoying this more than Rafael was, every moan drawing out another spurt, more and more and more, until Rafael was spent.

Rafael breathed.

He breathed and then he started kneading Sonny’s ass, smearing it all, a finger slipping inside Sonny, chasing a few drops that had landed there, pushing them in, Rafael bent lower and kissed the base of Sonny’s neck, he licked his way down, Rafael licked Sonny’s back, tongue collecting a few stray stripes, kissing his way even lower, kissing the red, red skin, so hot against his lips, so sensitive, brushing his tongue against Sonny’s ass to soothe it, lick-

“Rafi, I love you, but I’ve been in the wet spot for so long it’s practically a dry spot. I gotta turn over.”

Rafael laughed and pulled away obediently, sitting back on his knees.

He wanted to see this.

Sonny eagerly flipped over on his back, his body heavy from exertion, and it took less than a tenth of a second for him to remember what a bad idea that was. Sonny’s hips bucked like he got zapped with electricity, and he made a sound that closely resembled a yelp, and he immediately rolled on his stomach again, and Rafael laughed even harder because Sonny never learned, because this happened every time.

In fact, this was almost Rafael’s favorite thing about th-

“Ha ha, laugh it up, Rafi.”

Rafael did laugh, heartily.

But he also grabbed some baby wipes from Sonny’s nightstand and he gently cleaned Sonny up, Rafael cleaned them both up, careful not to irritate Sonny’s skin any further. Then, Rafael reached for Sonny’s drawer, looking for the lotion he knew he had seen earlier, because Sonny had neglected nothing when stocking up, apparently.

Rafael dripped some lotion directly on Sonny’s ass, Sonny hissing at the contact, and he started slowly rubbing it on Sonny’s skin.

“You’re gonna mess up the sheets even worse, Rafi.”

Sonny’s protests meant nothing when accompanied by pleased little sighs, so Rafael continued on, fingers gentle, partly for Sonny’s benefit and partly for his own.

Taking care of Sonny.

This was Rafael’s favorite thing.

When he was done, taking way more time than necessary, Rafael lay on his back and tugged at Sonny’s hand.

Sonny resisted at first, either too hesitant or too sore to move.

“Get over here, Sonny.”

Sonny did move, eventually, Sonny crawled closer on elbows and knees, until Rafael put an arm around his shoulders and pulled.

Rafael tucked Sonny into his chest, pulling until Sonny was on top of him, Sonny’s ass a safe distance from the mattress.

This wasn’t going to be a comfortable sleeping position, but Rafael wasn’t about to complain, not when he could feel Sonny’s heart beating in his own chest.

Fortunately, Sonny was a little more realistic about their sleeping arrangements so he moved a little to the side, taking some of his weight off of Rafael, wiggling until he was fully settled, his thigh wrapped around Rafael’s hip.

Which was only marginally less uncomfortable, but still better.

Rafael squeezed Sonny closer.

“Thanks, Rafi.”

Rafael was too tired to tell if Sonny was being sarcastic or not, and he was seriously considering one last teasing spank as punishment just in case, but Sonny kept talking.

“What would I do without ya?”

Oh.

Not sarcastic.

Genuine.

Sonny was genuinely thanking Rafael.

Probably because Rafael’s idea had worked. Because there was nothing like the light sting of a few well-placed spanks to make Sonny forget about real pain.

But that wasn’t all Sonny was doing.

Sonny was also wondering what he’d do without Rafael.

A rhetorical question, perhaps, but only for Sonny.

For Rafael, this question had a very clear answer.

A very depressing answer.

Rafael tilted Sonny’s head up for a kiss, in an effort to stop his mind from wandering.

Sonny kissed back, so sweetly, Sonny raised his hand and cupped Rafael’s jaw, so tenderly, and Rafael couldn’t believe Sonny even had to ask.

Sonny’s life without Rafael, it’d be the same.

Rafael knew that.

He knew this came naturally to Sonny.

Love.

Love came naturally to Sonny.

Rafael knew that if they had never met, if they had never gotten together, Sonny would have found another man, or woman, another person to love, and it would have been so easy, and so effortless, and Sonny would have been perfectly happy with someone else.

Without him.

Sonny would have been happy without him.

Rafael knew that.

It still hurt a little to think about.

As for Rafael, if he had never met Sonny, he’d spend the rest of his life alone.

That thought, it hurt a little less.

For some reason, in Rafael’s mind, the thought of being miserable for eternity was more tolerable than the idea of Sonny finding happiness with someone who wasn’t him.

Maybe because Rafael had resigned himself to misery, before Sonny came along.

Rafael wasn’t built for this.

Love.

Love had never come naturally to Rafael.

Never, until he met Sonny.

Until he fell in love with Sonny, against his better judgment. Every brain cell telling him how crazy it was, and every heartbeat telling him to go for it anyway.

Falling in love with Sonny, it was the closest thing to ‘natural’ Rafael had ever felt.

The closest thing to ‘easy’.

Rafael had still tried to make things harder for himself, of course. Rafael had still tried to fight it, to deny it, for the longest time. And even after he had accepted it, Rafael had still refused to believe that it could last, because nothing ever had.

Not for him.

Not until he met Sonny.

Rafael looked at Sonny’s face, looked at the bright eyes and the soft, sleepy smile, and he couldn’t understand how he had ever doubted this.

Five and a half years later, and Sonny was still in his arms.

Five and a half years later, and they were still happy.

Sonny was happy with him.

Forget hypotheticals.

Sonny was happy with _him._

Rafael wanted to keep Sonny happy forever.

Rafael wanted to keep Sonny forever.

Rafael exhaled.

He didn’t know what he was waiting for anymore.

He wanted to marry Sonny.

It was simple.

All he had to do was ask.

And he would.

Rafael was going to propose.

No turning back.

No stalling.

He was going to do it.

There was just one thing to take care of first, and then Rafael was going to propose.

Soon.

Very soon.

Within the week, maybe.

Maybe even sooner.

Rafael smiled as he felt Sonny kissing his chest.

Sonny’s lips, right over Rafael’s heart.

Like he knew.

Sonny always knew.

Soon.

Soon, Rafael was going to propose, and Sonny was going to say yes.


	3. Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A question and an answer.

Rafael didn’t know what he was thinking.

Why felt he needed to do this before he proposed.

It wasn’t the 1950s.

Clearly, otherwise he wouldn’t be able to marry Sonny at all.

This was silly.

Pointless.

Rafael didn’t know why he was wasting his time stressing out over this, not when he could be worrying about the actual proposal.

Then again, there wasn’t much left to worry about.

Everything was already in place.

Everything was perfect.

Or as close to perfect as Rafael could manage.

The proposal was impeccably planned, and it was happening tonight.

Rafael didn’t want to waste any more time.

Ever since he had decided to propose, waiting had become unbearable. Rafael had spent the past few days fighting the urge to forget about his plans and just pop the question over breakfast on a random morning.

Rafael couldn’t wait any longer.

He had made his decision four days ago, and he had already waited for over five and a half years, and the proposal was happening tonight, come hell or high water.

Though hopefully both hell _and_ high water could be avoided.

Hell, high water and Sonny working overtime.

The three things Rafael was hoping to avoid.

To that end, Rafael had taken several steps to ensure that his evening with Sonny would remain uninterrupted.

First of all, Rafael had called Liv and casually asked her to let Sonny off work at a normal time. Or to let Sonny off work, period. Sonny had pulled an all-nighter again, working on their latest case, but it was as good as closed so Rafael didn’t think his request was unreasonable. Nor was it suspicious, since Rafael made similar calls to Liv relatively often. Becoming the Manhattan District Attorney had seriously cut into his already meager free time, so whenever Rafael had a rare slow day at the office, he’d always ask Olivia to be a good friend and send Sonny home.

And by ‘ask’ Rafael meant ‘guilt-trip,’ complete with a sob story about working too hard and missing Sonny and watching life pass him by. Olivia never fell for it, but she always did her best to help out.

Secondly, Rafael had selected the setting. He had briefly debated making reservations at one of their favorite restaurants, even though it was short notice, because as the D.A. he could pull some strings, but he had decided against it. Mostly because he and Sonny always had terrible luck when it came to fancy restaurants. Sometimes they’d lose their reservations, sometimes they’d have to cancel at the last minute, sometimes they’d run into Ed Tucker. Rafael wanted no distractions, so he had decided on a quiet dinner at their new place. Rafael hadn’t cooked for Sonny in months, yet another side-effect of being the D.A., so he felt that a cozy home-cooked meal would be a nice way to set up a proposal.

And by ‘nice’ Rafael meant ‘trite and unoriginal’, but romance wasn’t his forte so trite was the best he could do. If Sonny wanted romance, he could have proposed himself, at any time during the past five and a half years.

Thirdly, Rafael had asked Carmen to send one of his lowly and nameless new assistants on a grocery run. The recipe he had picked was nothing fancy, but Rafael thought Sonny would appreciate it anyway. Rafael was going to make pasta with his red wine mushroom sauce. The same dish he had made the very first time he had ever cooked for Sonny, all those years ago. The very first time Sonny had ever spent the night at Rafael’s apartment. At their old place. Rafael was going to make that same recipe in their new home, for Sonny, and that had to count for something.

And by ‘count for something’ Rafael meant ‘Sonny had better accept the proposal with little fanfare because this whole thing was embarrassing enough as it was’.

Lastly, Rafael had…

Actually, Rafael hadn’t gotten to ‘lastly’ yet.

It was a little after six, and he was still in his office, and Liv had promised to have Sonny home by nine, and Rafael had one last thing to do, and he was stalling.

Rafael was caught between wanting to do this right, and taking the easy way out.

How bad could it be?

Was a question Rafael knew better than to ask himself.

He had already found a way to soften the blow, by doing this over the phone, like a coward, but he was still nervous.

Nervous and excited.

He was going to propose.

In less than three hours Rafael was going to propose, and Sonny was going to say yes, and they were going to get married, and Rafael wasn’t going to let a puny phone call stand in his way.

Rafael picked up the phone and dialed.

“Yep?”

Theresa.

Rafael almost hung up on the spot.

Of _course_ Theresa had picked up.

Nothing could ever be easy for Rafael.

“Theresa, hi. Uh, is-”

“Hey, Mr. District Attorney! What’s up? Did you lose track of your boyfriend? He’s not here.”

Rafael rolled his eyes.

“I know he’s n-”

“Wait, is Sonny okay? Did something happen? Is h-”

“No, no, he’s fine, Sonny’s fine. That’s not why I’m calling, Theresa. Don’t worry.”

Theresa exhaled in relief.

Rafael hated it when Theresa acted like a human being. In those moments, he couldn’t feign annoyance. He couldn’t pretend he found her crass and over the top. In those moments, Rafael couldn’t hide the fact he liked her.

Theresa was Sonny’s family, and she loved Sonny, and she loved Rafael too, though probably not in the way that she would prefer, and Rafael liked her, and he felt bad for having worried her.

Rafael remembered that phone call he had made, right after Sonny had been hurt, he remembered calling Theresa in the middle of the night, and s-

“Oh. Okay. Good. So what do you need? Are you calling for me, counselor?”

Rafael scoffed at her teasing tone, but in truth he was thankful Theresa had stopped him from going down that road. This wasn’t the time to be remembering that night.

“If I wanted to talk to you, Theresa, I would have called your house. Which I never have, by the way.”

Theresa chuckled. She was just like her brother, in some ways. Especially in the way insults never seemed to get her down.

“Yeah, yeah. You love me.”

Just like Sonny. She was just lik-

“So, you called my parents’ house. Who do you want? Ma? Dad?”

The moment of truth.

“Is your father there?”

Theresa didn’t miss a beat.

“You sound just like my high school principal! Boy, this brings back memories. He used to call our house all the time, asking for our dad. Mom and dad would place bets, trying to guess which of their kids was in trouble. It was usually me. But little innocent Sonny used to get in trouble pretty often, too. He ever tell you that?”

Sonny had told him, but Rafael was about to lie and ask Theresa for a story anyway. This little tangent of hers was the perfect diversion. Rafael knew that if he kept Theresa talking, he’d have a better chance at flying under her radar.

A better chance at hiding his intent-

“Wait, why do you wanna talk to my dad?”

Dammit.

Rafael had underestimated Theresa’s curiosity.

He barely stopped himself from saying, ‘That’s none of your business.’

One of the first, and most important lessons Sonny had taught him, a long time ago, was that saying that phrase to one of the Carisi sisters practically guaranteed they’d _make_ it their business.

“No reason. Just calling to do some catching up. It’s been a while.”

Rafael winced before he had even stopped talking.

“Really? That’s funny, because I know for a fact you and Sonny had dinner over here last week.”

Dammit.

Rafael knew better than this. There were no secrets in the Carisi household.

“I just want to say hi to the man, Theresa. Can I do that?”

“Say hi my ass. Spill it. Why are you being so cagey? What do you want with my f… Oh my God.”

_Dammit._

“Oh my God. Is this happening? Are you gonna ask for dad’s blessing? Are you finally gonna marry Sonny? Are you gonna officially become a Carisi?”

Rafael’s face contorted in a way which was probably not human.

Either that, or it suggested the onset of a stroke.

“Can you just get your dad, please?”

Theresa started laughing.

This was not going well.

“Okay, okay, I’ll get him, but can I just ask, when do you think you’re gonna propose? You gotta know I can’t hold this in very long. I mean, I have my cell phone in my other hand typing a mass text right now.”

“Don’t you dare!”

This was the last thing Rafael wanted. For Theresa to blow the surprise. For her t-

“Hey, hold up. That’s not what I meant. Come on. I would never ruin this for Sonny. I meant I’m typing the announcement. I wanna have it ready in my drafts so I can beat Bella to the punch and text everybody first. But I’ll only send it after I get the okay from Sonny. I’m not a monster.”

Oh.

That was reassurin-

“Besides, let’s be real, I can’t be sure you’re actually gonna go through with it. Maybe you’ll chicken out. I don’t wanna get Grandpa excited over nothing. We just taught him how to text.”

Rafael blew a puff of air directly into the phone, hoping it would convey his utter exasperation to Theresa.

“Theresa, seriously. Where’s your dad? Is he even there? Are you just trying to keep me on the line for no reason?”

Theresa chuckled.

“Jeez, don’t be so paranoid. Dad’s here. He’s in the back yard with my husband and… Ooh, speaking of, now Gina’s gonna be the only single one. Ouch. It’s a good thing Sonny’s her favorite sibling, so she won’t be mad.”

Rafael decided to stay quiet and just listen, hoping Theresa would lose interest.

“Rafael, you there?”

Rafael exhaled.

Again.

“You still haven’t gotten to the back yard? Your parents’ house isn’t that big.”

Theresa snorted.

“I’m here, I’m here. Listen, I’m happy for you guys. Sonny’s crazy about you. I’m glad he found you.”

Rafael was not about to get emotional over something Theresa had told him.

He was _not._

Sweet as it was.

Lovely as it was.

Theresa was glad Sonny had ‘found him’.

Like Sonny had been looking for him.

For Rafael.

Like Rafael was the only on-

_“Hey, dad, it’s Rafael calling. He wants to ask you for Sonny’s hand in marriage.”_

Rafael shook his head as he heard rustling. Theresa hadn’t ruined the surprise for Sonny, but she had made sure to break the news to her dad.

If he was honest, Rafael was kind of thankful for that too.

“Is that true, Rafael? I can never take Theresa at her word.”

Sonny’s dad sounded amused.

And happy, Rafael thought.

“Hello. Yes, it’s true. I’m sorry I’m doing this over the phone, but I’m-”

“Of course, don’t worry about it. You’re very busy. We… I understand. So, what do you, uh…”

Rafael almost wished Theresa was back on the line. At least she could keep a conversation going.

Now that burden fell on Rafael.

“Um, this is hardly traditional, not in our situation, but I still wanted to check with you. I wanted t-”      

“Who cares about tradition? Just say what you want to say, son.”

Rafael blinked.

Dominick Sr. had taken to calling him ‘son’, he’d been doing that for years now, and it still felt strange and awkward and beautiful and a little painful.

Rafael’s own father, he had never used that term with such affection.

He had never shown affection at all.

Not to Rafael, not Rafael’s mother, not to anyone.

Not in the few years Rafael had gotten to spend with him as a small child, before he’d abandoned them.

In many ways, Sonny’s dad was the closest thing to a real father Rafael had ever known.

Sonny’s dad didn’t know that, of course.

Sonny did.

Rafael had told him.

Rafael had shared everything with Sonny, his entire life, everything he had lived through, everything he had missed out on, Rafael had given Sonny the whole story and Sonny still lov-

“Son?”

Rafael took another deep breath.

“I’m here. Um. You know how much I love Sonny. We’re happy together, and I should have done this a long time ago, but I’m doing it now. I want to marry your son. I wanted to tell you that, before I tell him. You were always very kind to me, you’ve always made me feel welcome, and I wanted to talk to you first. I wanted to thank you, for everything, and ask for your blessing. I think it would mean a lot to Sonny.”

Not bad.

Just like he’d practiced.

Rafael hadn’t stammered even once. Hopefully that would carry through to the proposal itself, later.

“So you’re asking for Sonny’s sake? You’re saying you don’t need my blessing?”

Rafael’s eyes got wide.

“Uh, no, I… I do, of course I do. I want t-”

Rafael heard laughter on the other end of the line.

“I’m teasing you, son. Of course you have my blessing. You’ve been a part of our family for years. We love you. And you love our Sonny, and that’s all that matters.”

Rafael didn’t know if he should roll his eyes or say thank you.

“Now you just have to speak to Sonny’s mom, to get her blessing too. She’s right here.”

This time it was Rafael who was laughing into the phone. He had fallen for the first of Dominick Sr.’s ‘jokes,’ but he wasn’t about to be fooled ag-

“I’m serious, Rafael. He’s her only son, and we’re Italian, I’m sure you understand. Her baby boy is getting married, and she wants to hear it from you, not me.”

Oh.

Right.

That made sense.

Sort of.

“Hello? Rafael?”

Rafael had never heard Sonny’s mom sounding so excited.

A stark contrast to Rafael himself, who was starting to get tongue-tied. He hadn’t practiced for this. What was he supposed to say to Sonny’s mom?

For a moment, Rafael wondered if it would be acceptable for him to repeat the same speech he had used on Sonny’s dad, but he quickly realized that he’d get busted, because all Carisis loved to gossip and Sonny’s parents would definitely compare notes after he hung up the phone.

Rafael decided to wing it.

“Hello. I’m sure you’ve heard by now, but I want to marry Sonny, and I want to tell you that… Uh. I want to promise that I’ll take care of him, and, uh-”

Sonny’s mom chuckled.

“I know you’ll take care of him, Rafael. Just like you have, all these years. And he’s been taking good care of you too, no? I’m glad you’re finally getting married. Sonny’s going to be very happy. And that makes me happy. Of course you have my blessing.”

Well, that was easy.

And heartwarming.

And slightly shady, because Sonny’s mom had made sure to casually throw out terms like ‘all these years’ and ‘finally’, the better to imply that Rafael was an idiot for not marrying Sonny sooner.

Lucia would have been proud.

But that had also been eerily insightful, in true Carisi fashion. Rafael had tried to assure Sonny’s mom that he’d take care of her only son, but she knew that the opposite was true.

She knew that Sonny was the one always taking care of him.

Sonny w-

“Alright, Rafael, now you have to talk to Theresa. She’s Sonny’s oldest sister, so she has to approve of your union as well. It’s a Carisi family tradition.”

Rafael gaped.

Something was _very_ wrong.

“Uh…”

“Hey, counselor! Don’t even bother asking for my blessing. You got it. Welcome to the family. By the way, you’ve been on speaker this whole time. Oh and Bella’s here. Say hi!”

Rafael did not say hi.

He did not react at all.

Not even when he heard Theresa cackling into his ear.

Bad jokes, and silly pranks, and mildly humiliating gags.

This was the family he was marrying into.

He knew that.

He had long accepted it.

Rafael had made his choice, and it was too late to back out now.

Much as the Carisis were actively trying to change his mind, Rafael had made his choice.

“I’m sorry, son. They made me.”

Sonny’s dad.

The only one who was on Rafael’s side.

The only one who sounded remorseful, or so Rafael thought. He couldn’t be entirely sure, he could barely hear anything over Bella and Theresa’s laughter.

“It’s alright. I knew this was going to be a disaster as soon as Theresa picked up the phone.”

Bella and Theresa laughed even harder.

Rafael didn’t even care.

He had gotten what he wanted with minimal casualties, at least when it came to his usual dealings with Sonny’s family, and he wanted to quit while he was ahead.

“Okay, I have to go now. I’ll-”

“Wait, Rafael, wait.”

Sonny’s dad had something more to say, apparently.

“You do have our blessing. And we do love you. You’re the only one who asked, did you know that? Tommy sure as hell never did, with good reason, and none of Gina’s fiancés ever asked, and the good doctor here, he never bothered to ask us for our blessing before proposing to Theresa. Don’t mind our jokes. We appreciate the respect you’ve shown us. I appreciate it. And I’m not just talking about tonight. It’s an honor having you in our family, son.”

Rafael smiled.

This.

Acceptance, and warmth, and love.

 _This_ was the family he was marrying into.

“The honor’s mine.”

Not really, but Rafael thought he should be polite.

And then he heard a snort.

“Yeah right.”

Theresa.

At least she was self-aware.

Rafael kept smiling.

“Listen, I do have to go, I have a meeting. Uh. Thank you. Not you, Theresa. The rest of you, thank you. And I’ll... I’m sure Sonny will let you know what happens.”

Rafael hung up quickly, barely catching a round of goodbyes and excited tittering.

He had done it.

The worst part was over.

All that was left was a nice dinner, and a question, and a yes.

~ ~ ~

It was a little after eight thirty when Rafael finished cooking, with plenty of time to spare.

He would have finished even earlier, but it had taken him a few minutes to get his bearings in their new kitchen. Sonny had set that up too, and not just because Rafael had been too lazy to do it. Sonny was the one doing most of the cooking now, so it made sense for him to arrange the kitchen to his liking.

Rafael didn’t know exactly when that shift had occurred. Sonny could barely cook when they first met, but over time, and with Lucia’s invaluable help, plus a few key assists from Gina, Sonny had become quite the cook. He had nothing on Rafael, of course, which Rafael often liked to point out, but Rafael barely had time to cook these days so Sonny had picked up the slack.

Not that Sonny himself wasn’t busy. This latest case had him working nonstop. In fact, even though they had officially moved in two days ago, Sonny had only slept in their bed once, and he hadn’t even gotten a chance to actually use their kitchen yet.

Which was actually working in Rafael’s favor.

This dinner, the dinner Rafael had just finished making, it was going to be their first official dinner in their new home.

Rafael liked that thought.

Rafael and Sonny, together, sitting in their lovely dining room for the first time, a room Rafael had decorated, by the way, and sharing a home-cooked meal, instead of having pizza or Chinese on the couch.

Rafael, taking Sonny’s hand.

Both of them smiling.

Rafael proposing.

Sonny saying yes.

This dinner was going to be special.

Rafael wondered when he had begun using words like ‘special’ to describe dinners which weren’t served at a Michelin-starred restaurant.

Anyway.

Rafael got the table ready, and then he quickly showered and changed into a more casual but still stylish outfit. He picked jeans and a black dress shirt, because Sonny loved him in black.

By the time he was done, it was ten minutes to nine. Rafael knew ‘nine’ was only a rough estimate, but he still hoped Sonny would be there soon.

All that was left to do was wait.

And wait he did.

Rafael waited until nine, until ten, until ten thirty, and he told himself that if Sonny didn’t come home by eleven he’d call to ‘casually’ ask what Sonny was up to.

That was the risk with surprise dinners. Sonny hadn’t called to let Rafael know he’d be late, because coming home at eleven or even midnight was nothing new, not when Sonny was working a case.

Still, Rafael had to admit that waiting for Sonny tonight was a little more nerve-racking than usual.

Especially since Rafael wasn’t used to waiting. Coming home at midnight was nothing new for him, either. Sometimes they’d leave the precinct together, late, Sonny never letting Rafael drive when he was too sleepy, and they’d get home at one or two AM and crash without even taking their clothes off.

Rafael sighed and tried not to watch the clock too closely as he waited.

Rafael waited until it was two minutes to eleven and then he grabbed his phone, but before he could call Sonny the phone buzzed in his hand.

Sonny was calling.

To see where Rafael was, probably.

To see if Rafael had left his office.

To say he was on his way.

Probably.

Hopefully.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Rafi! Are you still at work?”

Rafael almost said yes, just to complete the surprise, but he decided to tell the truth. If Sonny knew Rafael was home, maybe he’d hurry up and get there faster.

“Hey, Sonny. No, I just got home.”

Fine, not the _whole_ truth. Rafael wanted dinner to be a surprise, at least.

“Oh. Well, don’t wait up. I’ll be a while. You should get something to eat and just go to bed. I’ll see you tomorrow morning, before you leave for work.”

Of course.

Nothing, _nothing_ could ever be easy for Rafael.

“Again? An all-nighter two nights in a row?”

“Nah, this won’t be an all-nighter, but I don’t wanna wake you in the middle of the night. I gotta be here until three.”

Rafael frowned.

‘Until three’? That was specific. And it sounded suspiciously like Sonny had taken on an additional shift, even though Rafael had explicitly asked Liv to make sure that didn’t happen.

Manhattan SVU was about to wrap up a custodial interference case. Nothing serious, fortunately. A father had failed to return his daughter after a visit, but the squad had eventually traced his credit card and had found the child staying with a distant aunt. According to Liv, the father had been a no-show when they had picked up the girl early that morning, so they were staking out the aunt’s house, waiting for him to come back.

Which hardly required Sonny’s presence.

“Liv is overworking you, Sonny. I think I’m going to have to make some calls.”

Rafael had already made those calls, of course, but Sonny didn’t need to know that.

“It’s not like that, Rafi. Amanda was supposed to take this shift, but her sitter called and said Jesse had a fever, so I told Amanda I’d cover for her.”

Oh.

At least Liv wasn’t to blame.

“How noble of you. Alright. Call me if you finish up early, okay? Love you.”

“Love you too, Rafi. I’m sorry. I wanted to see you tonight.”

 _Tell me about it,_ Rafael thought.

Sonny sounded apologetic, and rightfully so. He had quickly volunteered his precious free time to help out Amanda, disregarding the fact he had Rafael at home, waiting to propose.

Not that Sonny knew that, but still. He _should_ be apologetic. He had ruined Rafael’s plans.

“You’ll see me tomorrow morning, Sonny. I’m not going anywhere.”

“You better not!”

Sonny was still laughing when he hung up.

Rafael smiled.

Rafael wasn’t going anywhere.

He was home already.

Rafael remembered that first dinner he’d made for Sonny.

Sonny had been late for that, too.

It had still worked out pretty well.

Maybe there was still hope.

Stakeouts were pretty unpredictable. Maybe Sonny wouldn’t have to stay until the end of his shift. The guy could show up in ten minutes.

Maybe Rafael would get lucky.

~ ~ ~

Rafael had _not_ gotten lucky.

In any sense of the word.

It was three AM and Sonny still hadn’t come home.

Rafael had eaten a sad, solitary meal on the couch, and he’d saved some for Sonny, even though Sonny would probably have it for breakfast, and he’d taken off his sexy black shirt, and he had spent the past three hours tossing and turning in bed.

Rafael would have blamed proposal jitters for his insomnia, or maybe his crushing disappointment because he was going to have to postpone the proposal for the next night, but that wasn’t why he couldn’t sleep.

Sometimes Rafael still had trouble sleeping when Sonny wasn’t there.

When Sonny was out working a case.

When Sonny was in danger, at least theoretically.

Rafael didn’t want to wake up to another phone call, letting him know that Sonny had been hurt.

Hurt.

Rafael still had a hard time using the word ‘shot’.

He hated even thinking about that night, and the last thing he ever wanted was to relive it.

He knew that fear was irrational, and some nights were better than others, and sometimes he was more tired than he was nervous so he’d sleep anyway, but still.

Rafael worried.

At least this case was relatively tame. No guns that they knew of, no violence, no priors. A rarity for SVU. Usually Rafael had legitimate reasons to worry about Sonny’s safety, but some of these milder cases, they allowed him some peace of mind once in a while.

Not that Rafael’s mind was peaceful.

The crushing disappointment, it wasn’t the reason he couldn’t sleep, but it wasn’t helping, either.

Rafael had been so ready to ask Sonny to marry him.

And now he had no choice.

He had to wait.

One more day.

Which wasn’t that bad.

Rafael was trying very hard to stay positive.

Sure, dinner had been ruined.

Sure, he’d have to wait one more day before he could propose.

But he had gotten Dominick Sr.’s blessing, the only part of this proposal that had actually given him anxiety, and he could always cook again tomorrow, and twenty-four hours were nothing.  

Rafael would just wait.

Not a new experience for him.

Rafael would just wait, until he could get Sonny alone. Until they could enjoy a romantic dinner in their dimly lit dining room, like he’d planned, without extra shifts and meetings with the Governor and ringing phones to ruin it.

Rafael would just wait-

Wait.

Sonny was there.

Rafael heard the front door.

Sonny was there.

Maybe there was still hope.

Rafael got excited again, until he looked at the clock.

Thirty-two minutes after three.

Just like that, his excitement was gone.

It was probably not the best idea to propose at the crack of dawn. Even Rafael knew that.

There was always tomorrow.

Rafael stayed in bed, waiting for Sonny to get upstairs.

He couldn’t hear anything, probably because Sonny was trying to be quiet.

Rafael wondered if Sonny would check the fridge for something to eat, if he’d find the remnants of their would-be dinner.

Maybe Rafael _should_ get out of bed.

A reheated, if not cold, dinner at three AM, in their kitchen, with most of the lights turned off. Not the ideal atmosphere for a proposal, but maybe Rafael could still make it work.

Before Rafael could get up, but after he had realized what a monumentally bad idea that was, Sonny finally snuck in the bedroom.

Sonny took a few careful steps but then he saw that Rafael was still awake, so he started clomping around as usual, walking over to Rafael’s side of the bed.

“Did I wake you, Rafi? Sorry.”

Sonny bent down to give Rafael a soft kiss on the forehead.

Rafael really loved Sonny.

“No, I was up. Everything alright with the case?”

Sonny gave Rafael’s cheek a quick caress and then he started getting undressed.

“Yeah. The guy actually showed up about an hour ago. I was supposed to get him down to the precinct for booking, but Liv said I should just go home and I didn’t question it.”

Liv _was_ a good friend.

“I’ll make sure to send her my thanks.”

Rafael wasn’t even being sarcastic.

Sonny chuckled as he kept taking his clothes off.

Yet again, Rafael tried to stay positive.

Both he and Sonny were up, and Sonny was already in his underwear, and maybe proposing was not an option, but there were still other things they could do to pass the tim-

“Go back to sleep, Rafi. I’m too tired to stand. I’ll just grab a quick shower and crash, okay?”

Oh.

Right.

Sonny was tired.

Rafael nodded as Sonny made his way to the bathroom.

He had to admit that it was getting increasingly difficult to stay positive.

And it was just as difficult to sleep.

There was no reason for Rafael to stay up. He knew that. The proposal definitely wasn’t happening, sex probably wasn’t happening, and Sonny had gotten home safely so Rafael had nothing left to worry about.

Rafael could hear the sounds of the shower running, Sonny right there, practically next to him, and those sounds should be soothing, but all they were doing was giving Rafael mental images of Sonny’s naked body, warm water running all over it.

Needless to say, those mental images were making it even harder for Rafael to sleep.

Rafael’s mind was reeling.

Rafael was getting ideas.

Maybe he could convince Sonny to try a little something.

Tired or not, Sonny was not known for turning Rafael down.

Rafael had waited for hours already.

Now he just had to wait a few more minutes, until Sonny came out of the shower.

A few more minutes, and then Rafael could put some of his ideas into action.

~ ~ ~

Sonny didn’t take long, just like he promised. He came out of the shower not ten minutes later, and he smiled when he saw that Rafael was still awake.

“I thought I told you to go to sleep, Rafi.”

Rafael looked Sonny over.

Wrapped in a towel, still a little wet, because Sonny had the bad habit of never toweling himself off properly, and fresh-faced, in that annoying way of his, even after a thirty-six hour day, even after five and a half years, and smiling, probably because he was a sap and he liked the fact Rafael had waited up for him, Sonny looked the picture of happiness.

And Rafael knew a thing or two about happiness.

“I couldn’t sleep, Sonny. I’ve been thinking.”

Sonny chuckled as he stepped around the bed and stood over Rafael, the towel temptingly billowing within Rafael’s reach.

“Really? What have you been thinking about?”

Rafael meant to answer, but he had trouble tearing his eyes from Sonny’s towel, so loosely wrapped, low, so low, just under Sonny’s small belly, and Rafael was sure that the lightest tug would get it to come undone, and Rafael’s hands were itching to grab it, and Rafael _was_ only human.

So he tugged.

Rafael tugged, and the towel fell on the floor, and Sonny started laughing as he climbed on the bed, as he climbed on Rafael too, making sure to pull off the sheets because apparently he wanted to feel skin on skin.

Or, more likely, because he wanted to be annoying and get Rafael wet.

Rafael decided not to complain.

It was an easy decision.

Sonny was on top of Rafael, hair practically dripping on Rafael’s face, and he was cold to the touch, to the point of making Rafael shiver, and he was heavier than he used to be but still just as bony, elbows and knees all sharp and solid, bumping into Rafael’s sides, because Sonny had the grace of an elephant, and he was looking cocky as hell, like he knew _exactly_ what Rafael had been ‘thinking’, and Rafael couldn’t find a single thing to complain about.

Rafael was happy.

That was all he felt.

Happy.

Rafael kissed Sonny, he squeezed Sonny tight in his arms, Rafael looked up at Sonny’s smiling face and he felt happy.

“I’ve been thinking that it wouldn’t be the worst idea if you and I were to be bound together.”

Sonny’s smile turned into a smirk, and his hands immediately went to Rafael’s wrists, fingers closing around them, tight, rubbing at the skin.

“Yeah? Bound how, exactly?”

Rafael licked his lips, excited by Sonny’s line of thinking, and even more excited by the way Sonny’s hips had started slowly grinding against his own.

Happy.

Rafael was happy.

Rafael really loved Sonny.

“I don’t mean ‘bound together’ literally, Sonny. I mean bound in the legal sense.”

Sonny blinked.

Sonny blinked, he stopped moving and then he blinked again.

He did not look happy, nor did he look surprised, and Rafael’s predictions were way off, apparently.

Sonny just looked confused and incredulous.

“I’m naked.”

Was _not_ an answer Rafael had ever imagined he’d receive after proposing to Sonny.

But then, Rafael hadn’t exactly asked a question, not really. Rafael had just expressed a spontaneous thought, a desir-

“I’m _naked_ and you’re… Let me get this straight, Rafi. You want us to be bound together in the legal sense. As in, marriage. As in, you’re proposing.”

Rafael felt the need to squeeze Sonny tighter, for some reason. Probably because Sonny was holding himself up a little higher, like maybe he didn’t want to be _too_ close to Rafael in that particular moment.

“Yes?”

Sonny gaped.

“You’re proposing to me at…”

Sonny wiggled on top of Rafael, trying to get a look at the alarm clock, and Rafael’s arms tightened around Sonny’s waist even more.

“You’re proposing to me at three forty-two AM, while I’m falling down tired, not to mention buck naked, and you’re doing it by saying that it wouldn’t be the ‘worst idea’ to be married to me?”

In retrospect, maybe the phrasing of Rafael’s spontaneous thought could have used some work.

“I guess?”

Sonny did not seem to appreciate Rafael’s honesty.

Sonny pushed himself up and off the bed, meeting no resistance since Rafael’s hands had gone slack. Rafael knew better than to physically try to stop Sonny from leaving.

And Sonny did leave.

Sonny left their bedroom in a hurry, and for a moment Rafael wondered if this would be the last time he would ever lay eyes on Sonny’s ass.

So he made it count.

As soon as Sonny’s ass was out of sight, Rafael sat up and tried to take stock of the situation.

It was safe to say that he had screwed up.

Just like he expected. Like he feared.

Rafael had let his feelings get the better of him and he had proposed impulsively, failing to take into account the inappropriate timing, or Sonny’s fatigue, or Sonny’s state of undress. Namely, all the things which had stopped him from proposing just minutes earlier.

Rafael hadn’t even stopped to consider his words.

‘It wouldn’t be the worst idea.’

Sarcasm in a proposal.

Rafael winced just thinking about it.

Rafael had gotten carried away by the happiness he felt when Sonny was returned to him in one piece, by that same happiness he felt every time he saw Sonny coming home, safe and unharmed, every time he saw Sonny getting undressed and crawling into bed, into their bed, into Rafael’s arms, and Rafael just wanted to marry Sonny, he just needed to get this done, and perhaps he had worded it wrong but his heart was in the right place.

Granted, Sonny had a right to be upset, or disappointed, and it was that last part that stung the most, but Rafael couldn’t help thinking that Sonny’s reaction was a little over the top. Storming out nakedly in the middle of the night? There was no need for such theatrics.

Then again, Sonny hadn’t stormed out of their house. He had just left the room. Rafael was almost sure of that, mostly because the first and last time Sonny had ever left in a huff had been years and years ago, after their big fight.

And that had been a _real_ fight. Back then, Rafael had given Sonny ample reason to storm out. Nothing like this time. A substandard proposal was pretty bad, but it was nowhere near as hurtful as Rafael saying that he felt sorry for Sonny, and Rafael _really_ needed to let that go because he only had a finite amount of guilt in him, a huge amount but a finite one nonetheless, and right now he needed access to all of it so he could properly react to this proposal fiasco.

Rafael took a deep breath.

Things weren’t that bad. Sonny was still in the house. Sonny had just stormed out of their bedroom, a theory further confirmed by the fact Sonny was naked, and he hadn’t taken any clothes with him, not even his towel.

Rafael shook his head. He should have thought of that first, instead of revisiting that damn fight again, but Rafael never missed an opportunity to make himself feel like shit, and what else was new.

So, Sonny probably planned on sleeping in their guest bedroom. Which wasn’t that unusual. Sonny had done it quite a few times over the years, though it always happened whenever Rafael would get the flu and not after an argument.

Rafael wondered what he could do to fix this. Sonny was just two doors down the hall. It would be ridiculous for them to go to bed mad over a tiny little misstep. Hell, Sonny could stay mad, as long as they slept in the same bed. Rafael didn’t think a poorly worded proposal warranted a night apart, not when they had barely seen each other in almost two days.

Maybe he could gingerly knock on Sonny’s door and grovel a little.

Maybe he could apologize.

It was in that moment, as he moved to the edge of the bed, ready to get up and chase after Sonny, that Rafael realized just how badly he had messed up.

His proposal had been so disastrous that he needed to apologize for it. Rafael almost felt proud for managing to fail so spectacularly. It hadn’t been easy. It had been hard, it had been impossibly hard to mess up such a simple thing, to mess up asking such a simple question, and yet Rafael had somehow done it. 

A small part of Rafael felt like blaming Sonny. If Sonny wanted the proposal done right, he should have done it himself. He had years and years to do it. Rafael shouldn’t shoulder all the blame just for getting impatient.

But for the most part, Rafael felt that he had let Sonny down. This had been it. The one chance Rafael would have to propose, to do something romantic for Sonny, for once, and he had ruined it.

‘It wouldn’t be the worst idea.’

Forget that.

Marrying Sonny was the best idea Rafael had ever had. It was an idea that had occupied Rafael’s mind for years now, an idea that kept him going whenever he felt tired, or sad, or done, sometimes it was all Rafael could think about, calling Sonny his, officially, in front of everyone they knew and loved, and Rafael had completely failed to convey that and now Sonny had left their bed and he w-

And he was coming back.

Oh.

Sonny was back already.

Sonny was back and he didn’t look mad. He didn’t look confused either, not anymore. He didn’t even look disappointed.

Sonny was smiling.

It occurred to Rafael that he had panicked over nothing, and that it wasn’t the first time, either, and that maybe he should think twice before freaking out.

Sonny loved him. Sonny was there to stay. Sonny was too even-keeled to ever throw a tantrum over something like this.

Throwing tantrums was Rafael’s thing.

Sonny?

Sonny looked perfectly calm.

Sonny looked calm, and content, and determined.

Determined to say yes, maybe.

Rafael still didn’t know why Sonny had taken off like that, but he didn’t care. All he cared about was the fact Sonny had come back.

Rafael smiled too.

He smiled, and then he noticed that Sonny was holding a small box.

Sonny was holding a small box and he was getting on his knees, right there, near the edge of the bed, right between Rafael’s legs.

Sonny was opening the box.

Sonny was still very much naked.

“OK, not gonna lie, I was worried I was gonna botch this, but you’ve set the bar pretty low, so here goes.”

Sonny exhaled.

Rafael did not.

Could not.

“I love you, Rafi. Will you marry me?”

Oh.

Sonny was…

Sonny was looking up at Rafael, a small smile on his lips and happiness in his eyes, and he was holding the box open with one hand, his other hand caressing Rafael’s bare knee, lovingly, so lovingly, so much love in that tiny gesture, so much love, just written all over Sonny’s face, pouring out of him, out of his eyes, and his lips, out of Sonny’s fingertips, so much love flooding Rafael’s heart, Sonny’s love, and Rafael’s love, and…

“Of _course_ you have a ring, Sonny. You always have to try to impress me.”

Sonny rolled his eyes, but his hand didn’t leave Rafael’s knee.

“Yes, Rafi, of course I have a ring. What kind of idiot proposes without a ring?”

Rafael chose not to dignify that with a response.

Mostly because he couldn’t come up with a good one. Rafael couldn’t believe he had thought to ask for Dominick Sr.’s blessing, but he hadn’t thought to get a ring.

Rafael took Sonny’s hand and pulled him off the floor and back onto the bed.

Rafael lay down and tugged until Sonny was on top of him again, until they were both lying on the bed, Sonny still naked but dry this time, Sonny still smiling down at Rafael, like always, Sonny still holding on to that small box, and Rafael hadn’t even looked at the ring, Rafael had just caught a faint shine coming from it but he had hardly paid attention because Sonny’s face was shining brighter, and Rafael seriously hoped this sentimentality was temporary because he didn’t think he could go the rest of his life with such sappy thoughts constantly running through his mind.

Five and a half years of sappy thoughts were bad enough.

Sonny looked so happy.

Sonny looked happy, even though Rafael had yet to respond, and Rafael really did want to say yes but he wanted to kiss Sonny even more.

Sonny kissed back eagerly, like he always did, and Rafael squeezed him tight, so tight, arms wrapped around Sonny’s waist, thighs wrapped around Sonny’s hips, Rafael just held Sonny there and kissed and kissed and kissed him.

Rafael always imagined his heart would be pounding in this moment, and he could feel Sonny’s heart going a mile a minute against his chest, but his own heart was beating slow and steady.

Rafael had never felt this calm.

Everything felt right.

Rafael had nothing left to worry about.

This proposal, it had been weighing on him for years, the desire to marry Sonny, it had been left unfulfilled for so long, but now it was all done, now they were going to get married, finally, and everything felt right and good and happy and Rafael could no longer remember what stress felt like.

Not when Sonny kept kissing him, kissing his lips, his cheek, not when Sonny kept kissing Rafael’s neck, nuzzling and licking and muttering against his skin.

“Do I get an answer or what, Rafi?”

Rafael waited until Sonny stopped kissing his neck, until Sonny pulled away to look down at him.

“Like I said, Sonny. It wouldn’t be the worst idea.”

Sonny snorted.

“Wow. You just botched your own proposal _and_ your acceptance of my proposal. That’s gotta be some kinda record.”

Rafael raised an eyebrow.

“Unless I’m mistaken, you never even accepted _my_ proposal. You just ran out of the bedroom. Naked. I thought I was going to have to chase you.”

Sonny scoffed, clearly about to make a smartass comment or other, so Raf…

“Well, maybe if you hadn’t proposed to me while I was nak-”

Nope.

Rafael kissed Sonny again.

He may have been a little too slow to stop Sonny from talking altogether, a lamentable truth that often applied to their everyday life, but Rafael still managed to keep Sonny from saying anything more.

All it took was a kiss.

Rafael kissed Sonny again, and he spread his legs even more, until Sonny’s hips were safely tucked between his thighs, and Sonny relaxed completely in his arms, and Rafael wanted to say something of his own.

Pulling away, barely pulling away, his lips still grazing Sonny’s lips, Rafael spoke.

“Will _you_ marry me, Sonny?”

Sonny’s smile was blinding.

“Yes.”

Oh.

Rafael was not expecting that.

Rafael had been teasing. Setting himself up for one of Sonny’s cocky comebacks. He thought Sonny would jump at the chance to make fun of him, to get a little payback for ‘it wouldn’t be the worst idea’.

Rafael was not expecting Sonny to answer so sweetly, and so earnestly, and so lovingl-

“See, Rafi? Now _that’s_ how you accept a proposal.”

And there it was.

Rafael chuckled and kissed Sonny again, but only for a second, because Sonny jumped off of him with a liveliness which did not befit the lateness of the hour.

Sonny knelt on the bed this time, and he took the ring out of the box, and Rafael figured this was worth sitting up for.

They both sat on the bed, legs tangled, sheets tangled, bodies tangled, lives tangled, and Sonny took Rafael’s hand, Sonny put the ring on Rafael’s finger, and it was a perfect fit, and Rafael looked down at his own hand like he didn’t recognize it.

One small ring made all the difference.

Rafael felt warmth, deep in his chest, because maybe he couldn’t recognize his own hand, but he sure recognized Sonny’s hand, Sonny’s slender fingers, Rafael knew those fingers better than he did his own, and Sonny was holding his hand, still, Sonny hadn’t let go, Sonny would never let go, and Rafael was pretty sure that was from Titanic, and he was blaming these pathetic failings of his brain on the fact it was almost four AM and he was half-asleep and his inhibitions were significantly lowered.

That was it.

Not Sonny’s smiling, beaming face, inches away from his, not the happiness radiating from Sonny’s skin, not th-

“You like it?”

Rafael frowned at Sonny’s question.

That hadn’t even occurred to him. That he could not ‘like’ the ring. That was preposterous. Rafael loved that ring. He loved that ring even though he had barely looked at it. The ring itself, it wasn’t the point. It was the gesture behind it.

The love behind it.

Rafael was about to say that, he was about to say that the ring didn’t even matter, when he saw Sonny’s eyes, wide and eager for approval.

Of course.

The ring mattered to Sonny. Sonny had picked it or Rafael, carefully, and now he wanted to hear that he had chosen well.

Rafael stopped looking at their intertwined fingers and finally got a good look at the ring.

It was simple.

Elegant.

Wide enough that it looked good on Rafael’s large hand but not too wide as to be chunky. The edges were polished but the rest of the ring had a hammered finish that Rafael felt added a rugged touch. It was made out of some kind of white metal, and Rafael had never been much of a jewelry connoisseur, not when it came to anything other than cufflinks, but he was sure that Sonny had researched any and all possible options before making a decision and was now a budding expert in noble metals.

Rafael made a mental note never to ask Sonny about it.

“I love it, Sonny.”

Sonny grinned.

Every time Rafael thought Sonny couldn’t possibly look any happier, he was proven wrong.

“I haven’t gotten it engraved yet. I figured we could put our wedding date.”

Rafael very abruptly remembered what stress felt like.

In the back of his mind, he could already feel thoughts whirling, thoughts of his mother, and Sonny’s sisters, thoughts about picking a date which would work for everyone, let alone a location, thoughts of having to invite Liv, and the squad, and the press, because the wedding of New York’s first gay District Attorney would definitely make the news, and…

“You’re already freaking out, Rafi? We’ve only been engaged for five minutes.”

Rafael chuckled as Sonny squeezed his hand.

Sonny was smiling.

Sonny always knew.

Rafael kissed the smile right off of Sonny’s lips.

‘Engaged’.

Just hearing that word had alleviated Rafael’s stress.

“When did you even get this ring, Sonny? Did I beat you to the punch? When were you going to propose?”

Sonny took a moment to respond.

“Uh, on election night.”

What? That was…

“That was nine months ago.”

Sonny winced.

“More like eleven months. I’m not talking about the general election. I was going to propose on the night of the primary.”

Rafael was having trouble processing this.

“I’m sorry?”

“Right after you won. After everyone left and it was just the two of us. Remember when you told me I was the best decision you ever made? I had this ring in my pocket when you said that. I was gonna propose, but I lost my nerve.”

Rafael couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“So you’ve had this ring for almost a year?”

Sonny tugged at Rafael’s hand and pretended to look at the ring again, but Rafael knew he was just avoiding eye contact.

“I, uh, I’ve had it for two and a half years.”

Rafael stared.

“What?”

Sonny kept his eyes glued to the ring.

“Are you seriously surprised, Rafi? You know how I… Even before I got the ring, I always… I loved you. From the beginning. Before we even… I always loved you. You know that. I just had to wait, ‘cause I didn’t want you to think I was crazy for proposing after, like, two months of dating.”

Rafael squeezed Sonny’s hand.

Sonny’s fidgety, restless hand.

Sonny had always loved him.

Rafael did know that, but hearing it still made him frighteningly happy.

“I already thought you were crazy, Sonny. Also, yes, proposing after two months would have been a bad idea, but you didn’t have to wait five and a half years, either. And I’m still not sure I believe you about the ring. You probably bought it last week or something. You just want to one-up me.”

Sonny chuckled, but he still refused to make eye contact.

“Yeah? If you don’t believe me, ask Liv. I told her, on the morning you announced you were running. She was the first one I told. Well, other than my sisters. Theresa actually held onto the ring for me. For a while. Um. And then I gave it to Bella. For safekeeping. ”

Bella and Theresa knew?

Bella and Theresa had pulled that prank on Rafael, when they knew Sonny had a r…

Never mind.

Rafael didn’t want to know.

Not about the complicated Carisi sibling dynamic, anyway.

But Rafael did want to know about something else.

“Okay, of course you’d tell your sisters, but Liv? Why would you tell her?”

Sonny chanced a glance at Rafael’s face, finally.

He looked adorably embarrassed as he shrugged.

“I kinda just blurted it out. But it wasn’t my fault, she had me cornered. She was giving me this whole speech about you wanting the white picket fence, you know, deep down, and she was telling me that you wanted to marry me and that I should propose, because you wouldn’t know how to even ask. I gotta tell ya, Rafi, that woman really knows you.”

Rafael scoffed, even though what Sonny was saying, what Liv had said, it was all true. Rafael did _not_ know how to ask for someone’s hand in marriage. Clearly.

But he had asked anyway. And Sonny had said yes.

The thing was, Rafael already had the white picket fence, or the closest thing to it, at least in Manhattan. Rafael already had a nice home, and a good man, and love, Rafael had love, and maybe signing a piece of paper wasn’t going to change much, but the idea of being officially married to Sonny still made his heart flutter and wow, Rafael needed a good night’s sleep and hopefully he’d be back to his sarcastic self in the morning.

“You should thank Liv for keeping your secret, Sonny. She never said anything. Even though she’s supposed to be _my_ friend.”

Sonny suddenly looked guilty, and Rafael instantly knew what that meant.

“I take it Liv wasn’t the only one who kept your secret.”

Sonny averted his eyes again.

“Uh, well, no. Like I said, my sisters knew. And my parents. And, um, Amanda knew too. Oh and your mom.”

Sonny’s entire family knew. That wasn’t surprising. It was impossible for the Carisis to keep any kind of information contained. And Rollins knowing, that wasn’t surprising either. Rafael knew she and Sonny were very clos…

“Wait, my mom? You told my _mother_ before you told me?”

Sonny started chuckling. Rafael’s indignation was amusing, apparently.

“Come on, Rafi, I had to ask for her blessing.”

Oh.

Right.

That was…

That was sweet. And, to be fair, Rafael had done the same thing.

“Well? Did she give it to you?”

Sonny smiled.

“Yep. She was happy to. But you wouldn’t understand, Rafi. You don’t appreciate tradition. You’re not a romantic. Your idea of a proposal was t-”

“I asked for your dad’s blessing too.”

Sonny’s jaw dropped.

“You did?”

Sonny looked more surprised now than he had after Rafael’s proposal.

More emotional, too. Probably because he had assumed the whole thing was a spur of the moment decision, not an unreasonable assumption considering, so finding out Rafael had taken all the appropriate steps was unexpected.

All the appropriate steps except procuring a ring, and waiting for Sonny to put on some pants, but still.

Rafael had taken _some_ steps, and Sonny clearly appreciated that, and that was touching, but Rafael really needed to say something before Sonny started swooning.

“Yes. And I got it. Along with Theresa’s blessing, which I did not ask for.”

Sonny started laughing before he gave Rafael another kiss.

“I’m gonna guess this happened within the last week? I can’t imagine Theresa being able to keep a secret any longer than that.”

Rafael chose not to point out that Theresa had kept Sonny’s secret for years upon years.

“It was today, actually. As you can see, I wasted no time. What took _you_ so long? You had that ring for two and a half years. Were you having second thoughts?”

Sonny rolled his eyes.

“Yeah right. More like, I was worried you were gonna realize you could do better.”

Oh.

Rafael felt an actual, physical ache at the thought that Sonny held off on proposing because he thought that Rafael could do ‘better’. As if it was even possible to find someone better than Sonny.

“And it took you this long to figure out that you’re the best I can do? I could have told you that years ago.”

Sonny smirked.

“You can definitely do better than a Staten Island cop, Rafi. You just don’t wanna. You want me.”

Rafael smirked back.

Maybe Sonny still had trouble grasping the fact he was the best man Rafael had ever known, but at least he seemed to know that Rafael loved him, more than anything, and that was a good start.

“I do. And I would have gladly accepted a proposal on either election night. Why didn’t you do it and save me the trouble?”

Sonny started rubbing Rafael’s palm, fingers brushing the ring every few seconds.

“Well, early on I had my insecurities, like I said. But I got over that. I worked through it. You helped me work through it. And then, I was really gearing up to it, I swear, Rafi, I had a whole plan, and I was working on my speech, and then you… Wanna hear something funny?”

Rafael narrowed his eyes.

“Funnier than my proposal?”

Sonny snorted.

“Nope. But still kinda funny. Remember that dinner we had at that expensive restaurant? When you told me you wanted to run for District Attorney? And you wanted to surprise me, so I had no clue what the dinner was about? And you looked so nervous, and then you started telling me about a big decision you had made, and how our life together would change, and how you really wanted me to say yes?”

Rafael stared in horror.

That had never occurred to him.

Sonny had thought that Rafael was going to propose.

Of course he had. The restaurant, that fancy tie Rafael had practically forced on Sonny, the ‘surprise’, the major decision, the drawn-out introduction, the declarations of love, of course he had.

Oh God.

“I’m sorry, Sonny. I didn’t mean to… I didn’t even think about that. I was so caught up in th-”

Rafael felt the bed shaking.

Sonny was laughing.

“It’s okay, Rafi. No need to apologize. You were preoccupied. Deciding to run was a big deal, and you had just been blindsided with the offer yourself. I get it.”

Rafael watched Sonny’s dimples for a few moments.

“Would you have said yes?”

Sonny’s dimples got even deeper.

“I could never say no to you, Rafi.”

Rafael ignored the banality of that statement and focused on Sonny’s sweet smile, Rafael reached for Sonny’s face, wanting to feel Sonny’s dimpl-

“I mean, I just said yes to the worst proposal in recorded history. Of course I would have said yes if you had proposed at a fancy restaurant.”

Rafael’s hand was diverted from Sonny’s face to Sonny’s arm, where it delivered a small but potent pinch.

“Ha ha. So I didn’t propose. Why didn’t you? You still haven’t told me.”

Sonny exhaled.

“The campaign took over after that, and then there was _Timothy,_ and the polls, and the numbers, and then the press, the publicity, and I could never find a nice, quiet moment, you know? And you were so stressed out, and you kept saying you wanted things to go back to normal, as soon as the election was over. Putting together a wedding sure as hell isn’t normal, plus you had a new job to get used to, so I figured I’d give you some time.

“And then we started looking for a house, and that took forever, so I figured I’d wait a little longer, until that was done. And then we had to move, and that also took forever. And our new place, it’s great, but I still haven’t gotten used to it, so I guess I was waiting until we were more settled in, you know?

Rafael’s eyebrows rose higher with each unconvincing excuse.

“So you were too nervous.”

Sonny grinned.

“Yep! Two and a half years, and I still couldn’t work up the courage.”

Rafael couldn’t blame him.

“I’ve been trying to work up the courage for _three_ and a half years.”

Sonny actually dropped Rafael’s hand.

_“What?”_

“I knew I wanted to marry you three and a half years ago. After you almost… after the…”

Sonny took hold of Rafael’s hand again and raised it to his lips, placing a hard kiss near Rafael’s knuckles, near the ring, before leaning in and placing a softer kiss on Rafael’s lips.

Sonny always, _always_ knew.

“I didn’t ‘almost’ anything, Rafi. It was nothing. I was fine. I’m fine.”

Rafael nodded.

“I know. It wasn’t even about that. It wasn’t because I almost lost you and suddenly I realized I _had_ to spend the rest of my life with you, it wasn’t anything dramatic. I already knew I loved you, I already knew I wanted us to stay together. When that happened, though, when you… I just realized that I wanted us to be married.

“It felt wrong to be running through hospital corridors in a panic, trying to find out if you were okay, hoping someone would give me information, and telling the doctors that I was your ‘boyfriend’ under my breath. Like we were twelve-year-olds going steady. With nothing to show for it.

“I didn’t feel like your ‘boyfriend’. Or your ‘partner’. Theresa’s husband thought I was a detective, do you remember that? You probably don’t, you were pretty out of it, you had just gotten out of surgery. He asked me who I was and I said I was your partner, so he assumed we were colleagues.

“It just felt wrong. I felt like your husband. I wanted to say that I was your husband. Officially. In the eyes of the law, and in the eyes of God. For everyone to know. For _me_ to know that you’re mine.”

Sonny was staring.

Smiling.

“I’ve been yours since we met, Rafi.”

Rafael looked at Sonny’s earnest face and wondered how he had ended up with someone so sentimental.

So corny.

With someone so kind.

Balance, he supposed.

Rafael knew he had never done anything to deserve such a loving, tender partner. Rafael knew he was abrasive, and prickly, and an ass a lot of the time, and yes, Sonny had his faults too, like the bad jokes or the tendency to overshare or the lack of filter, but still, Sonny was so _kind_ and such a positive presence in Rafael’s life and Sonny just made everything better.

“I love you, Sonny. You’re… This… My life, before we met, it wasn’t… I wasn’t…”

Sonny kissed Rafael again, getting up on his knees, and then he pushed Rafael backwards, until they were both lying down, Sonny on top, as always, distractingly naked and extremely handsy.

“I know, Rafi.”

Sonny kept kissing Rafael, kept swallowing Rafael’s murmurs, almost like he wanted to keep Rafael from speaking.

Rafael put his hands on Sonny’s face and held it, just long enough to interrupt the kiss.

Rafael looked up at Sonny’s kind eyes.

“I want to tell you.”

Sonny smiled, his eyes crinkly and happy.

“You will. You’ll tell me tomorrow. And I got a few things to say too. You still haven’t heard my speech. It’s awesome. More romance than you can shake a stick at. You’re gonna hate it. But now let’s just go to bed.”

Oh.

Right.

They had yet to properly celebrate their engagement.

Rafael smirked as he squeezed Sonny closer again, as he kissed Sonny’s jaw, as he felt Sonny’s body moving against his, as he felt Sonny moving away, towards…

Oh.

That was a no on the celebrations, apparently.

Sonny was just trying to slide off of Rafael. He probably wanted to get some sleep, as Rafael belatedly realized. That made sense. It was way past four AM and they’d been up talking and Sonny had been working for two days straight and the celebrations could wait.

So what if this was their first night together as an engaged couple?

The celebrations could wait.

If Rafael kept repeating that to himself, maybe he’d believe it.

The celebrations could wait.

Sonny didn’t seem to be lamenting this fact nearly as much as he should.

Rafael hoped it was because he was too tired.

Sonny just turned around, his back to Rafael, and he made himself comfortable, fluffing the pillows and smoothing over the sheets, and Rafael would have complained but he was too busy watching the lines of Sonny’s back, the curve of Sonny’s ass, smooth skin looking even smoother in the low light. Rafael was watching the muscles on Sonny’s arm flexing, as Sonny was reaching behind his back, patting the bed in search of-

“Where are you, Rafi? Come on. I haven’t slept in thirty-six hours.”

Rafael chuckled as he assumed his usual position.

Rafael lay down right behind Sonny, nuzzling him, spooning him, arms wrapped around Sonny’s waist, because that’s how Sonny liked it and Rafael always wanted to please Sonny, _always._

Sonny assumed his own usual position, sticking out his butt until he could make contact with Rafael’s crotch and blindly feeling for Rafael’s hand where it was caressing his belly. Sonny liked holding Rafael’s hand while they slept, and it had taken some time for Rafael to get used to that level of clinginess but now he couldn’t live without it, without Sonny’s hand tightly grasping…

Wait.

Sonny’s touch was lighter than usual.

Sonny’s hand wasn’t tightly grasping Rafael’s hand.

Sonny was playing with Rafael’s ring.

Sonny was rubbing the ring with his thumb, feeling the texture, spinning it around Rafael’s finger.

Rafael could already tell that he’d have to get used to that annoying little habit too.

He didn’t mind.

Rafael kissed Sonny’s neck, then he kissed right behind Sonny’s ear, once, twice, and Sonny squirmed.

“Hey, no funny business. I’m beat. Tomorrow, ‘kay? Goodnight.”

Sonny sounded wiped out, his voice barely a mumble, already drifting off.

Rafael kissed Sonny’s neck one more time and then he leaned closer, his mouth right next to Sonny’s ear, lips grazing Sonny’s earlobe. He figured now that Sonny was too tired to stop him, it was safe to speak.

Safe to whisper.

“I don’t think I was ever happy before I met you.”

Even half-asleep, Sonny turned his head around for a kiss, probably aiming for Rafael’s lips but landing on a cheekbone.

“Love you so much, Rafi. Always. ‘Night.”

Rafael’s heart skipped a beat.

It still did that, sometimes.

Five and a half years in, and Rafael’s heart still did that.

Sonny would say, ‘I love you,’ or he’d say, ‘always,’ and Rafael’s heart would skip a beat, because somewhere along the way this skinny, loud, goofy cop from Staten Island had become Rafael’s life.

“Goodnight, Sonny. I love you too. Always.”

Sonny squeezed Rafael’s hand, just for a second, and then he went back to playing with the ring.

Rafael waited until he felt Sonny’s fingers going slack, until he felt Sonny’s body relaxing, until he heard a soft snore coming from Sonny’s lips.

Rafael waited until he felt Sonny’s heartbeat slowing down under his palm.

Rafael waited until he knew Sonny was safely asleep in his arms.

Rafael placed a kiss on Sonny’s bony shoulder and closed his eyes.


End file.
